It’s pretty clear that Hillary is going to be the nominee of the Party of Elderly Socialist White People. Bernie Sanders isn’t serious about taking her out and taking the lead – he’s only interested in yelling at rich people and telling them to get the hell off their own lawns.
Biden may or may not run, but the Democrat elite heaved a huge sigh of relief when Hillary didn’t whiff any of the softballs at the debate and stood towering over the midgets. That the likes of Lincoln Chaffee failed to show her up was probably enough to quell the growing unease that this empty pantsuit, whose greatest achievement is enduring the decades of humiliation heaped upon her by her satyr husband, can’t pull it off. It leaves little opportunity for the Warm Bucket of Spit from Delaware to stumble in and save the day. The Dems are nominating Hillary and whoever the focus groups pick as her vice-president.
The Republicans, however, have become the Party of Hyphenation. We have black-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, woman-Americans and, thanks to Donald Trump, oaf-Americans. The bottom line is that the GOP is going to nominate a ticket that looks a lot like the same people Hillary was counting on to elect her.
That can be a problem for the Democrats, as their success is based completely and totally on stoking the resentment of distinct voting blocs unified by immutable characteristics. If those people start thinking with their brains instead of their genetics, Hillary’s got a real problem. No doubt she’ll pick a running mate who will balance out her unbearable whiteness of being, the fact she’s older than dirt, and the fact that she reminds people of HAL 9000 – “Dave, your desire to live your life without paying money you earned working to subsidize Democrat-voting losers is troubling.”
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Let’s look at three possible combinations the GOP might come up with and how they might play in a cage match against Mayonnaise Mama and Veep Boy, the Token Wonder.
Bush-Kasich: Finally, a common sense, David Brooks-approved ticket that excludes all those Republicans who actually believe all that conservative nonsense and that understands that the purpose of a Republican is to gracefully fail to enact any of the policies GOP voters support. This pairing would also have the distinction of being the only ticket more intensely white than the Democrat ticket. It would not be quite as doddering, but thanks to Kasich it would have worse hair.
Yeah, it would get a lot of money from the 1000 or so biggest GOP donors which, assuming their trophy wives did not vote for Hillary (a big assumption) would mean they could count on about 2000 votes. The consultants these two would be paying a zillion dollars would assure the party that they would lock down Florida and Ohio. But it seems doubtful that Floridians would take time from the bizarre antics that make “Florida man” a staple of hilarious news reports to think, “Yeah, I gotta vote for this Jeb guy because he was the king a decade ago.” And Ohioans are likely to think, “Shoot, in a choice between two Democrats why don’t I just vote for the one who actually is a Democrat?”
Certainly this is the ticket the GOP establishment dreams of. And it would certainly be a ticket that was not all uppity and that knows its place – second.
Rubio-Fiorina/Fiorina-Rubio: Assuming young Marco convinces us he won’t shaft us on immigration and get suckered by Chuck Schumer again, this could be a potent combination. Rubio’s big advantage is not being Latin – Hispanics are not interchangeable and being Cuban is not necessarily a selling point to other Hispanics. His advantage is that he can put a sentence together and doesn’t look like something guarding a tomb.
Carly Fiorina, unlike Hillary, does not have the effect of making normal women’s skin crawl and normal men’s genitals shrivel. With Carly, you get the impression she actually likes men. With Hillary, you sense she sees the White House as a wonderful means to make men pay, and that her administration would be a four-to-eight year psychodrama where she takes out her resentment at Bill’s serial philandering on every heterosexual male in America.
In response to this ticket, Hillary would panic – she always panics – and pick one of the Castro brothers, who you have likely never heard about because they have never done anything of note except be Hispanic. Leaving aside the lesson of never electing anyone named after a dictator that we learned with Barack Hussein Obama, it would be fun seeing Rubio debate Julian Castro and baffle him by asking him a question in Spanish.
So, this combination would swoop up men and cut into Hillary’s supposed advantage with females by taking away the normal women and leaving Hillary with her hardcore of bitter crones and Lena Dunham-admiring Millennial anti-body shaming activists. Rubio might also help nail down Florida, the “Hold my beer and watch this” state, which Hillary is counting on winning by being old.
Trump-Carson: This combination is terrifying to both sides, because it just might win. You have Trump, who will get votes because he says things a lot of people think but that the elites believe shouldn’t be said. You have Carson, who is a wonderful human being who also says things a lot of people think but that the elites believe shouldn’t be said, and who might get a lot of conservatives onboard who would otherwise shun The Donald. Sure, neither have any experience at the highest reaches of government, but Hillary does, and in those roles she utterly and completely failed. So you would have two guys who might be terrible against a woman with a proven track record of being terrible.
The big question is the effect on the black vote, because if Hillary isn’t getting 95% of black voters she’s going to get sent packing back to Chappaqua, which is awkward because Bill’s tramps have already picked out new drapes. Some blacks may be open to Carson because of his race, but the real issue is Trump – he may do really well among black voters who enjoy his refusal to be silenced and how he’s standing up against the Hillary-supported flood of low wage workers that is causing huge unemployment in the black community. If that ticket gets even 15%, hello President Trump.
The bottom line is that Hillary Clinton is going to be the Democrat nominee – nah, she isn’t going to be indicted (The Obama administration is too corrupt to allow it). And the GOP has some options – ones that are terrible, ones that are sensible, and ones that are kinda crazy but just might work.
So sit back, open a beer, and clean that new rifle you just bought while you enjoy the show.
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