A doctor tells a patient that she has three months to live. She asks, "Is there anything I can do?" He replies, "Yes, marry a tax accountant." She is surprised: "How will that cure me?" The doctor says, "It won't, but it will make those three months seem like an eternity."
My apologies to tax accountants, but income tax deadline time is just ahead—so here's my second annual pre-April 15 joke column. Apologies also to computer newcomers, one of whom was recently using a long password: "MickeyMinniePluto- HueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy-Boston." He chose that because it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.
Speaking of capitals, four friends in Washington, D.C., assembled on a sunny day on the Mall to discuss big questions and then vote on which answer was right. Three of them were atheists. The fourth, Chris, grew weary of being outvoted each time. He appealed to God: "Lord, please give a sign that You exist." Suddenly a bolt of lightning hit the Washington Monument. "See!" Chris said, but the three atheists insisted that natural causes could explain the occurrence. So Chris prayed again. This time the earth shook and a voice from above boomed, "HE'S RIGHT!" Chris triumphantly said, "Now do you get it?" One of the atheists shrugged: "Now it's three to two."
On a lesser note, a teenager with very long hair asked his dad about financing a motorcycle for him. The father said, "Let's make a deal: Improve your grades, read the Bible regularly, get a haircut, and then we'll work something out." The son studied diligently for the next month and then again asked his dad, who replied, "I'm proud of you, but you still haven't cut your hair." The son responded, "As I've been reading Scripture I noticed that Samson had long hair and lots of other Bible heroes did as well." The father replied, "Did you notice they walked everywhere they went?"
Reading the Bible is crucial, of course, but if we make it a mere ritual and don't apply what we learn we're like the couple told by a salesman, "This vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half." They reply, "Terrific! Give us two of them." We may have as little understanding of what God calls us to do as had the drunk in front of a judge who said, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk replied, "OK, let's get started."