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OPINION

The Altars of Sexuality and Climate

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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AP Photo/Jason DeCrow

For today’s column, I got good news and bad news. The good news is that religion and faith are percolating back into political discourse. The bad news is that it’s fake. The religions involve the Church of Climate and the Church of Sexuality, and the faith is rooted in stuff that somebody made up five minutes ago. 

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From the Church of Climate, we have a newly minted theologian in Greta Thunberg. She’s the erstwhile Prophet of Doom who was exploited by Scandinavian grown-ups into becoming the teen face of saving the Earth.

The theology faculty of the University of Helsinki has seen fit to finally award an honorary doctorate of theology to Ms. Thunberg, whose sneering outrage made her a darling of the totalitarian Left, and it’s about damn time. How dare the University of Helsinki wait until 2023 to recognize the theological brilliance of this person who is almost old enough to buy a beer in an American tavern? 

In the Church of Sexuality, there’s President Biden quoting his mother as he evangelizes that protecting children from surgical mutilation is “close to sinful.” I don’t even know what that means. Is “close to sinful” like a guy who’s thinking about knocking over a liquor store but changes his mind? Is “close to sinful” like committing an act that some people say is wrong but others say is okay? 

Nobody knows. This phrase is specifically vague by design. But sin is actually easy to understand. None of us is “close” to sinful. We all are sinful all the time, irredeemably corrupted, and saved only by grace, through faith in Jesus Christ. Saying that something is “close to sinful” is just a fresh example of chronic asininity. 

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While an American president hectors the nation about how it’s close to sinful to not encourage a double mastectomy for your healthy eighth-grade daughter, the lieutenant governor of Minnesota says you’re a bad parent if you’re uncertain whether to castrate your 14-year old son. 

Following this nincompoopery to its necessary conclusion, you’re a bad parent if you don’t let your five-year-old jump off the garage in a Superman costume because he’s pretending that he actually is Superman. (Hat tip to Matt Walsh). Unless it’s a girl pretending to be Superman. Or a boy pretending to be Supergirl. Of course. 

But do not underestimate the Churches of Sexuality and Climate. They’re run by crafty people. They believe wholeheartedly in unseen things, just like Christianity. They are convicted in their faith, just like Christianity. People who say things that are contrary to the faith are heretical, just like Christianity. They engage in fervent worship, just like Christianity. 

Parishioners in the Churches of Sexuality and Climate do indeed share some characteristics with Christians. But the differences vastly outweigh any tangential similarities that may exist and it all starts with foundational beliefs. The Church of Sexuality used to base its faith on the belief that human sexuality was innate. It was the bedrock of their belief system for many decades. Now, the church believes sexuality is fluid.

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Nobody is certain how this foundational belief changed. Perhaps scholars found some previously unknown texts in a monastery’s wastebasket that said sexuality was υγρό (fluid) instead of the earlier Greek text that said it was έμφυτο (innate). Maybe somebody found some stray Coptic papyri in Egypt to account for this change. Who knows. My money is on papyri because Leftists love to use words that almost nobody has ever spoken. 

The Church of Climate has a no less shaky foundation for its beliefs. We were told during the disco era that Earth was doomed to suffer the ravages of global cooling. Twenty years later, it was doomed to the ravages of global warming. Today, it’s doomed because of climate change; we’re yet again accursed because the weather is warm and sunny on Tuesday, but cloudy and rainy on Friday. 

Every single prophet in the Church of Climate has been wrong, and false prophets are bad for business in any religion. What to do? The solution is to simply change church doctrine to obviate the errors of the earlier prophets. That’s what their church leaders have done and will continue to do. 

In terms of foundational beliefs, there is zero comparison between Christianity, and the Churches of Sexuality and Climate. Christians have confidence in unchanging foundational beliefs because they are based on truth. Many millions of people disagree with Christianity but it has never been disproved. 

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Yet undaunted by an acute paucity of fact and truth, the Churches of Sexuality and Climate will continue their evangelism in terms familiar to those who worship a God other than the state. But that’s not new. It’s an ancient tactic for those who seek to deceive by disguising themselves as angels of light. Expect more of it. 

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