Editor's note: The following is an adapted transcript from “The Flipside with Michael Loftus,” a new comedy show that’s debuted on TV stations across America.
You know what I did? I invented an app for your phone. Now here’s what you do when inventing an app, you look around and try to figure out what everybody needs; so I’m watching the news, turns out everybody’s getting killed by cops. So everybody’s gonna need my new App, “Michael Loftus’ How Not to Get Killed by the Cops.”
It’s super easy; you just press a button and it tells you what to do. Let’s try it. Here we go, How Not to get Killed by the Cops:
"Don’t do anything that would make a policeman want to kill you.” ...and done.
It seems pretty simple doesn’t it?
I think I’m gonna sell a bunch of these things! Because the streets are crowded with people who seem not to understand that if you wrestle with a policeman for his gun there’s a really good chance he will shoot you. You know what cops really don’t like? When you wrestle ’em; that tends to make ’em a little uptight.
Imagine the defense line: “Your Honor, all I was doing was wrestling the cop for his gun. I didn’t think he was gonna shoot me, yeah, that’s why I’m suing. I think I should have a reasonable expectation to grapple with the officer to get his weapon and not get shot.”
There’s been a lot of statistics flying around recently and I guess a couple hundred people are shot by the cops every year. And you know what I think? That number is crazy low.
Do you know policemen do? Do you know what the job description is for what they do? If there’s an explosion or a crazy person in the street with a baseball bat or gunshots going off, the police have to stop what they’re doing and head towards the violence. Every other sane person on the planet would be like, “Holy crap, those guys are shooting, let’s go hide over there.”
While the police have to go in, take control over the situation and make sure every law-abiding citizen is safe.
Okay so now imagine you’re the cop. You’re all by yourself, you’re in a dark alley and all you know is the suspect is supposed to be around here somewhere and armed and dangerous and he’s in the area. All the sudden the trashcan gets knocked over, you see movement, it’s comin’ atcha and it’s got a gun so if it’s me, I’m gonna BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Sure I just killed a cat, but it had a rifle!
It’s a dangerous job. And the situation changes in the blink of an eye. We’ve all seen the show “Cops,” that was great. Some cop would have to go to some drunk hillbilly’s house, he’s fighting with his wife, she’s fighting with him. Then all the sudden she’s got a knife and she’s trying to kill somebody. How’d that happen? I don’t know but now the cop is in a fight for his life.
Thank God they’re out there protecting and serving. Because you know what they’re protecting? Our lives and our stuff. You like your neighborhood? Me too. Now close your eyes and imagine it without cops. It looks the same except now it’s on fire!
Now I’ll tell you this; if there were roving bands of cops randomly hunting down and killing people, I would protest that like you’ve never seen a protest. Of course I wouldn’t be at the front because if the cops are randomly hunting down and killing people and I’d get shot so I’d probably be standing behind my buddy Jeff using him as a human shield; but you’d hear me, I’d be chanting.
So here’s the deal...We need the police, they keep us safe and it’s a very, very, very tough job. And if you don’t want to get in trouble with the police, don’t give them a reason. I thought this was like basic knowledge, but nowadays I guess you need an app for your phone to understand it. I have been afraid of the police a handful of times in my life. Every single time it was because I knew I was doing something wrong that I could get in trouble for.
You know what I’m talking about...You’re doing 75 in a 55 mph zone and then you see the cop and you know he saw you and you get that knot in your stomach, your butt gets all clenchy, then you see the lights in the rearview, then you hear that noise “woo” nobody likes that noise, “woo.” Then you pull over and you wait for the cop with your hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 because you’re busted.
Now there’s a bunch of things you don’t wanna do when the cop shows up at the driver’s side window: Don’t crank up the radio and tell the cop to wait for a second because this is your favorite song, and don’t tell him to go stop a real crime because that’s what he just did, and lastly, don’t wrestle him because he will shoot you. I know that’s a lot to remember, so you probably wanna go to the app store and download my new app “How to not get Killed by a Cop.”
I’m looking forward to all that money, thank you very much.