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How Do You Say ‘Cry Me a River’ in Chinese?

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Andrew Harnik

The gas-passing, commie spy-digging Rep. Eric Swalwell is really, really angry because he got booted of the House Intelligence Committee, which should not be surprising since he has been credibly accused of having sex with a hard-5 Chi-Com spy. He’s now claiming he’s getting death threats – hey, welcome to the party, Tooter! 

Speaking of deadly natural gas leakages, the Democrats suddenly discovered that your stove was out to murder you and therefore gas stoves must be confiscated. That’s a nice change from them wishing we were dead, I guess, but what is this bizarre fixation on trying to make our lives worse?

Also, RonnaMcDaniel has got to go.

The Unbearable Sadness of Toots Swalwell

Poor Eric is as unhappy has the guy trapped in a Buick with him on a hot day after hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru. He cannot be on the Intelligence Committee anymore. His humiliation and bellyaching bode well for the tenure of Kevin McCarthy, the guy who applied his Doc Martens to the Californian’s flatulent fanny. Kevin McCarthy kept his word and kept his off the committee. That’s awesome. It would be easy to back away from his promise – his predecessors made that a habit – but the new Speaker endured the fussy flack of the regime media and held his ground. Excellent. I had my doubts about him, and I’m still not fully convinced, but we need to reward proper behavior.

And making Eric Swalwell sad while protecting our secrets is proper behavior. He is now claiming that he is getting death threats – he even posted some. Amateur. I get harsher ones when I point out how dumb people who think there are more than two genders are – don’t get me started on the hate I’ve gotten over the years when I mock bronies and other perverted weirdos. And He Who Dealt It is accusing Kevin McCarthy of wanting his kids dead. Well, Eric did get the guy who allegedly made the comment fired, but if Swalwell was a man concerned with his family 1) we would not be making Fang Fang jokes because there would have been no Fang Fang bang bang, and 2) he would own what he calls an “assault rifle” to protect his kin – you know, the very weapons he wanted to nuke American patriots for owning. 

But he has not done those things. He thinks that if he cries hard enough about the same crap his friends pull on us every day, we will stop talking and defending our interests. But we won’t. If nasty people are nasty to him, too bad. Not our fault, nor our problem. It is not entirely correct to say that I don’t care if people threaten him. It is more that I care exactly about what mean people do to him as much as he cares about what his commie pals do to me.

So, lock and load, Air Biscuit. Time to man up and rack it if you’re really scared. But you aren’t. You’re just acting, and unconvincingly. Much like Fang Fang.

Regardless, it’s good to see Republicans in Congress keeping their word and dealing the pain. You know, only pain might teach them not to screw with us by breaking norms like letting a party choose its own committee members. But even if they don’t learn, we hurt them, and it’s important to show the base that we are going to hit back even if it only makes Eric Swalwell cry. Next up – skeevy Congressman Adam Schiff and socialist sister-wife Ilhan Omar!

Stove Oppression

It’s weird how one day we were literally cooking with gas and the next day not only were gas stoves declared to be deadly (largely based on the super-duper scientific findings of people paid by other people who hate gas stoves) but we needed to ban them RIGHT NOW and, best of all, all the regime media people were all “Duh, everyone knows your gas stove will kill you. Why do you hate science so much?” 

Of course, there were the dozens of healthy young people keeling over left and right from natural gas exposure. Hey, all these mystery deaths are no doubt the fault of the product people have used for centuries and not some, say, untested vaccine.

This fake furor was met by dozens of pictures of prominent libs cooking on gas stoves. The mockery was intense, and people expressed their dismay at having to pay thousands of dollars to re-do their houses to cater to the paranoid fantasies of Chardonnay-sodden morons. The people pushed back and that idea went back underwater. No doubt it will rise again someday.

Of course, the short-term impetus for this idiocy is the climate change hoax. Gas is bad because reasons and science and shut up about it not actually getting hotter, science denier. But it actually goes further. There is this overwhelming urge among predominantly rich, leftist people to make our lives worse in every possible way.

Look at the COVID crisis. They are greatly disappointed that you can leave your house, and you would have a submission symbol across your face forever if they had their way. They want you eating bugs, and your trucks banned, and pretty much everything you like forbidden. Why?

Because they get off on telling other people what to do. This makes them bad people. And we must crush them. Time to make the Republican Party the Party of No More Petty Bullschiff.

Adios Ronna!

Ronna McDaniel, the three-term Republican National Committee chairwoman who has never once had a successful federal election cycle under her watch naturally thinks she deserves a fourth chance to fail. No thanks. The coup is underway, and the whip count of the 168 RNC committee members who will do the voting on January 27th shows she does not have the votes. A month ago, she had it locked up, but people like you reached out to their state committee members and demanded change. Make your voice heard – go to and contact your committee member. 

We can throw out the establishment losers. Get going!

Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get Inferno, the seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, as well as his non-fiction book We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.

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