It’s crystal clear that Hillary Clinton has a glass jaw and is poised to be knocked out in 2016. With Barack Obama and his legacy of failure weighing her down, Hillary must cobble together a coalition by recovering the normal Americans who used to help Democrats win while at the same time satisfying the freak show that is the Democrat base.
But she'll still be the face of the party of idiots who block you on the freeways, of morons who burn stores, of faceless Obamacare bureaucrats raising premiums, and of Goldman Sachs. Yeah, Wall Street crony capitalists pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for her keen insights.
Hillary is a loser and the Democrats know it. So the pygmy vultures are circling. James Webb is sizing up his chances (which are zero). For some reason, Martin O'Malley of Maryland thinks he's a viable candidate. Elizabeth Warren is pretending that she's not thinking of jumping in. There's your Democrat diversity: All kinds of rich white people, from faux populists to failed governors to fake Indians.
So with the GOP facing this crew of future footnotes, why are we toying with potential nominees whose only qualification appears to be the ability to implode?
The 2016 election isn't just an opportunity to win the presidency. We need to save our country and our Constitution from the Chablis-swilling liberal elitists. So it's time to be serious, and by “serious,” I mean we will have to tell people who we like – and some we don’t – that, "Hey, you're not going to win, so get out of the way."
People like Dr. Ben Carson. Hey, Dr. Carson is a great guy with a powerful message who has no business running for president in 2016. He's never been elected to anything. He's never run anything besides a hospital. If I need brain surgery on my children, he’s the man. If I need someone who knows how to lead the world’s biggest military, outmaneuver an entrenched Washington bureaucracy, and ruthlessly crush progressivism, not so much.
Oh look, Carly Fiorina is considering running. I guess she can't resist the groundswell of support from the four people on planet earth who know who she is – yet another zillioniare dilettante who lost a big California race. There's her political resume. One race, which she lost. Does she even live in California anymore? Please, no more Richie Rich GOP vanity candidacies, okay?
And then there's Mike Huckabee. Talk about playing into stereotypes. Sorry, the face of the Republican Party in 2016 probably doesn't need to be an older, hefty, white preacher from Arkansas. On the upside, our stereotype is a minister; for the Democrats, it’s the Occupy guy who choked a grumpy on a NYPD cruiser.
Rick Santorum wants to run again. Apparently he hasn't lost often enough. The last time he won an election was, I think, 2000. Now, losing can help you grow, but there's no evidence Santorum has done anything to change his mind (or anyone else’s) about any of the positions that have made him lose consistently for the last decade and a half.
Then there’s Jeb. Who on earth who isn't a Bush wants Jeb to run for president, much less actually be president? I could maybe get used to a guy being president whose name is “Jeb,” but not one who embraces Common Core, loves amnesty, and gives awards to Hillary Clinton. Go ahead and read how Jeb slobbered over her while giving Hillary a freaking medal for her sterling performance as Secretary of State. What next – a lifetime achievement Oscar for that goofy kid in The Phantom Menace? It should make for some interesting debates. She’ll say she’s awesome, and he’ll argue that no, she’s merely great.
If you like the sound of “President Hillary Clinton,” support Jeb or any of the delusional people I just mentioned. GOP establishment types, you’ve been warned. Want to get a hundred-plus retweets/favorites on Twitter? Diss Jeb. I usually can’t stand people who mutter about not supporting a Republican nominee because he’s not exactly who they wanted, but before I’d vote for Jeb I’d lick the floor of a Detroit bus station restroom.
Now it's fair to ask who I like in 2016. Well, the answer is “Parts of a lot of people.” I wish, like Dr. Frankenstein, I could put together the perfect candidate out of the bits and pieces of many potential nominees. I’d take the brains of a Bobby Jindal and blend them with the aggressiveness of Chris Christie. I’d take the executive acumen of Mitt Romney and put it together with the winning record of perpetual underdog Scott Walker. I’d take the understanding of the Constitution of Ted Cruz and mix it with the charisma of Marco Rubio. I’d take the Texas track record of Rick Perry and match it with the ability to win in a purple state of John Kasich. And I’d infuse my nominee with the ability of Rand Paul to reach out to new constituencies while also slipping out from under the shadows of a wacky father.
But of course you can't just choose the best qualities. The flipside of my perfect candidate would be a barely known squish who can't win an election and probably can't win his own state, who everyone who is not conservative hates and who lies about immigration while not being able to put together a coherent sentence and who embraces the welfare state but wanting to reduce our military down to just seven guys, all while devoting a lot of attention to the threat of chemtrails.
There are two people who I think can more likely than not beat Hillary. Commenters, that doesn’t mean I support them. I think Chris Christie has the aggressiveness to win and Mitt Romney has the ability to win by repeating over and over, “See, I told you so.”
I think Walker, Jindal, and Paul are good guys who I'd love to see elected, but I think it will be tough for them. I think Perry had his chance and blew it. I think Kasich would lose because he’s chosen RINOhood – there’s no place in the GOP for a Hillary Lite. I love Ted Cruz. I've seen him speak and he's greatly impressed me as a leader and a lawyer, and I'm sorry to say he has absolutely no chance of ever being president. As far as Rubio, he lied to us about immigration, and it's going to take a lot to get me to forgive. I will never forget.
What’s going to happen? Who knows? It has two years to play out. In the meantime, who is telling the likes of Jeb that they should run for president? I've got to assume it's Chuck Schumer, because he's just devious enough to do it.