Our long national nightmare is over, the midterms have ended. Now our new long national nightmare begins as the battle starts for the presidency in 2020. I know the last thing you want to hear about is more campaigning, but it’s going to happen no matter what, so we might as well mock it. Here is a look at some of the Democrats who are rumored to be running to challenge President Trump in two years.
Elizabeth Warren: She checks a lot of boxes liberals love – she’s a woman and she’s a minority (when it’s convenient for her). She also has no real accomplishments aside from getting elected to the Senate, which was enough for the last Democratic president. On the downside, her condescending kindergarten teacher speaking voice would likely only appeal to 1/1024th of the country.
Cory Booker: He checks a lot of boxes liberals love, too – he’s a minority and, like former President Bill Clinton, he’s been accused of assault (by a man) and, unlike Clinton, admitted it against a woman. Like Warren he, too, has no accomplishments in the Senate to speak of, so the parallels with Obama are equally striking. On the downside, while he had previously been elected mayor of Newark, New Jersey, it was Newark, New Jersey and he ran it like, well, Newark, New Jersey. He will, however, have the endorsement of his imaginary friend “T-Bone.”
Martin O’Malley: He checks no ethnic or gender boxes Democrats care about, but plays guitar and has served as mayor of Baltimore and governor of Maryland. On the downside, no one loves Martin O’Malley as much as Martin O’Malley loves Martin O’Malley. He was the inspiration for the character of Tommy Carcetti on The Wire, but they had to tone down his narcissism to make the character believable. His tenure as mayor was noted for the mass arrests of black men and his tenure as governor was noted for taxing the rain, neither of which will endear him to anyone.
Joe Biden: the former Vice President is a favorite of liberals for his folksy temperament and his friendship with Obama will be a plus in any primary. On the downside, he’s an idiot who not only plagiarized parts of someone else’s biography and lied about his own life story, he has a tendency to say incredibly racist things. He also says people like to call him “Middle-Class Joe” and “Lunch Bucket Joe,” but the only person who has ever called him those things is him.
Robert “Beto” O’Rourke: liberals love him, calling him the modern-day JFK (though, presumably, he’s faithful to his wife). The soon-to-be former Congressman from Texas showed he could raise huge sums of money and garner glowing national media attention. On the downside, he lost. He’s a loser. The huge sums of money he raised were essentially set on fire, keeping that money from going to races Democrats could have won. He also sounds like Napoleon Dynamite. Also, the JFK comparisons end at the hair, as President Kennedy supported tax cuts, supported the military, and opposed communism.
Michael Avenatti: the “Creepy Porn Lawyer” is a favorite of CNN and MSNBC, he’s also loved by people who hate President Trump. He’s a fighter, and liberals want a fighter. On the downside, while he’s a fighter, he’s also a loser. He filed a lawsuit against the president that was so weak his client, porn star Stormy Daniels, was ordered to pay the president’s substantial legal bills. He also owes a fortune in back taxes, back rent, and more than $4 million to a former employee. He’s also facing the possibility of a criminal investigation for perjury for bringing a client forward to accuse Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh of running drugged-out rape parties while in high school. Plus, he’s a creepy porn lawyer.
This is just a small sample of the Democratic Party’s field for 2020. It’s still forming and it’s anyone's guess who else will throw their hat in the ring. I’d like to apologize in advance on behalf of all Americans to the people of Iowa and New Hampshire for the multiple visits occupants of this clown car will make to your states in the coming months. It’s nothing personal, we just don’t want them hanging around our states all the time. Only 725 days till the presidential election…
Derek Hunter is a columnist at Townhall and author of “Outrage, INC.: How the Liberal Mob Ruined Science, Journalism, and Hollywood.” To combat how the political left manipulates unsuspecting Americans to the point that they’d believe their lies and act on them, you have to understand how liberals weaponized important institutions against the American people. The book has been praised by Mark Levin, Ann Coulter, David Limbaugh, Dana Loesch, Dan Bongino, Michelle Malkin, Ben Shapiro, Kurt Schlichter, and countless others.
He also hosts a daily podcast, it’s informative, funny and it’s free! Together, his podcast and book will keep you sane and just might help you deprogram friends and family who’ve fallen prey to the mob mentality. Plus, you’ll laugh a lot too.