Opinion

How Do I Tell My Friend She’s Not 'African-American'?

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Posted: Aug 12, 2020 6:45 PM
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How Do I Tell My Friend She’s Not 'African-American'?

Source: Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call/Pool

My wonderful readers often have questions for me, particularly in what every TV commercial calls “these uncertain times” when we’re all “in this together” and must give hourly thanks to “our heroes.”

So, as I have in the past, I wanted to take a moment to reply to questions that have been pouring in from, again: no one.

1) What do you think of Joe Biden’s pick of Kamala Harris as his V.P.?

I think Susan Rice or Keisha Lance Bottoms would have been better, but inasmuch as I predicted Kamala as the Democrats’ next presidential candidate back before she’d even won her Senate seat, I strongly support his decision for making me almost, kind of, in the ballpark right.

2) That’s an amazing prediction — but what on earth made you predict her?

Because the Democratic Party is entirely about identity politics these days, meaning race, ethnicity, immigration status, gender and sexual orientation, but having absolutely nothing to do with economic class, social standing, occupational category or geographic location.

They already had Obama, so what’s better than the first black president? The first black woman president, of course!

3) But she’s half-Indian and half-Jamaican, not a foundational black American. No reparations for her! In fact, her Jamaican father admits their family owned slaves.

Yeah, yeah. The only people who care about foundational black Americans are Tariq Nasheed and me. As described in my book Mugged, Democrats were always annoyed by the idea that civil rights should have anything to do with black people. That’s why “civil rights” quickly came to mean abortion rights, gay rights, the right not to see construction signs that say “Men at Work.” (That’s according to the Kentucky Commission on Civil Rights .) Black Americans should breathe a sigh of relief that Biden didn’t pick a transsexual and expect their gratitude.

4) Wait a minute! Are we going to have to engage in Nazi-era genetic coding to determine who gets slavery reparations?

Not at all. We have very reliable census records back to at least the 1870s, so we can count foundational black Americans to their grandparents. One American grandparent and the rest Nigerian — you get 25 cents on the dollar.

5) Oh, that’s too complicated! Why not just say: Everyone who’s black gets a check?

Fine, then give me one. Prove I have no black blood. You’re going to have to do the genealogical research one way or another.

6) Why don’t we have the concept of foundational WHITE Americans?

EXCELLENT POINT. I can’t help but notice that most of the people denouncing Confederate monuments are neither foundational black Americans nor foundational white Americans. Of course recent immigrants don’t care about Confederate monuments! They weren’t here. That’s our issue. We don’t respect the South’s cause, but we do respect their honor. It’s OUR history. Not yours.

We ought to have the same rule on tearing down the nation’s history as for reparations: You have to have at least one American grandparent to denounce our traditions, statues and monuments. Nikki Haley, for example, can take down monuments to Bush, Facebook or “American Idol” — all of which she was present in the country for.

7) Speaking of tearing things down, why are all the antifa girls fatties?

Because attractive girls know that all the talk about “toxic masculinity” and “patriarchy” is nonsense. Good-looking girls, even average-looking ones who bathe semi-regularly and don’t resemble elephants, know that they rule the world.

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8) And why are antifa boys scrawny beta males?

White men who go around denouncing other white men as “fascists” are wimpy losers who think they’ll attract women with suck-up speeches about racism. But even stupid left-wing girls prefer alpha males. Sissy boys should drop the left-wing politics and try lifting weights and making money. Freud was a fool and reductionist, but sexual strategizing by losers is the source of nearly all left-wing ideology.

9) That’s total crap! And I know what I’m talking about because I had a show on MSNBC for 20 years and —

Look, Chris, everyone thinks you got screwed when you were fired from “Hardball,” but could you please not crash this Q&A?

 10) Do you think Trump will replace Mike Pence with Nikki Haley as his vice president to win the Asian women’s vote?

The crucial industrial Midwest can’t stand her and of course, in February 2016, Haley compared Trump to a Klan member and vowed never to stop fighting him:

“I will not stop until we fight a man that chooses not to disavow the KKK. That is not a part of our party. That is not who we want as president. We will not allow that in our country.”

So the answer is, yes. Yes, I think he will.