John McCaslin

'Tis the season for New Year's resolutions, and once again Inside the Beltway offers its readers the opportunity to tell politicians what they'd like them to accomplish in 2004. Without further ado:

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve to find an appropriate military decoration for that soldier who thought fast enough to give Saddam Hussein my 'greetings' in his spider hole." (Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)

- "I, Saddam Hussein, resolve to not be such a procrastinator." (S.S., St. Louis)

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve to ban the imports of all meat products into the U.S." (Larry Whitehurst, Mt. Horeb, Wis.)

- "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to send Al Gore a thank-you card - and a case of steaks - for endorsing Howard Dean." (J.S.R., Stafford, Va.)

- "I, Howard Dean, resolve not to blame President Bush for 'mad cow' or for my 'foot-in-mouth' disease." (Brian Larsson, Easton, Pa.)

- "I, Al Gore, resolve in 2004 to fix the Internet that I invented and make it spam-free." (Bill Petruzel, Springfield, Va.)

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve to set up a taskforce to find and eliminate wasteful ways in the federal government so we can offset the national debt that I have incurred." (CMC, Leesburg, Va.)

- "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to stop speaking like Elmer Fudd." (Barry Hill, Annapolis)

- "I, every congressman and senator, resolve to pass a bill allowing my constituents to set my salary in the future." (R. Umland, Summerfield, Fla.)

- "I, Bill Clinton, resolve to have my picture taken at least once this year with my wife." (Dave Dahlke, Port Orchard, Wash.)

- "I, John Kerry, resolve to reference my Vietnam service fewer times in 2004 than there are names on the Vietnam Memorial." (L. Berry, Voorhees, N.J.)

- "I, Ben Chandler, Democratic nominee for congressman of Kentucky, resolve to stop acting like Howard Dean." (David Adams, Nicholasville, Ky.) Note: The Feb. 17 special election for the 6th Congressional District of Kentucky is the first partisan contest this year in the United States.

- "We, Republican Sens. Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins (both of Maine), resolve to end the years-long charade and place 'Democrat' after our names." (C. Henderson, Houston)

- "I, Dick Cheney, resolve in 2004 to get out more." (Howard M. Peace, Asheville, N.C.)

- "I, Howard Dean, resolve to control my seething but 'compassionate' anger for President Bush to prevent my head from exploding before the November election." (J.A.L., Sewell, N.J.)

- "I, Charles Schumer, resolve to go to the shooting range at least twice a month in 2004 to improve my firearms skills." (Ken Hathaway, Browning Arms).

John McCaslin

John McCaslin is a contributing columnist on and author of Inside The Beltway: Offbeat Stories, Scoops, and Shenanigans from around the Nation's Capital .

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