Reasoning With Iran

Tom Purcell
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Posted: Mar 30, 2015 2:18 PM
Reasoning With Iran

"America and the West have a historic opportunity to negotiate a nuclear agreement that will promote peace in the Middle East and the world. It will give your country, Iran, a brighter future. What do you say to that?"

"Death to America!"

"Some of us in America understand why you're a little sore. Thirteen years of economic sanctions have crippled your oil exports and devastated your economy. Are you finally ready to cut a deal to get those sanctions eased?"

"May your sewage pipes run slower than Iranian oil!"

"Look, you have to admit, your country's leaders have done a poor job honoring their past promises. They have flouted many resolutions. They don't appear to be sincere in their negotiations and have only cut deals to buy themselves time - time, many intelligence experts fear, that will allow them to advance the development of a nuke!"

"May the flatulence of a thousand camels linger over your bedroom window!"

"Everyone knows you have funded terrorism that has targeted U.S. troops and American allies for more than 30 years - you continue to maim or kill U.S. servicemen and women in Iraq and elsewhere."

"May a camel-intestine hose go up your nose!"

"Some in America say it's a fool's errand to even try to negotiate with Iran's leaders - that President Obama is desperate for a deal to shore up his failing foreign policy. You've got to admit, he left quite a void by pulling out of Iraq - ISIS wasn't as much of a 'jayvee' team as he said it was. And his swap of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, an alleged deserter, for five terrorists sure doesn't validate his credentials as a negotiator. So, yeah, his administration appears to be eager for a deal! "

"May a million cockroaches visit you for Sunday supper!"

"Look, the sanctions have been in place to inconvenience your people, so they will pressure the hard-liners running your country to give up all ambitions for a nuclear bomb - but we still fear your country is developing a nuke."

"May a thousand crows leave droppings on your fedora!"

"Sure, your leaders insist they only want to enrich uranium to produce energy and for medical and research purposes, but much of the world fears you will use the process to eventually produce the fissile core of a nuclear warhead. Besides, if you really do just want to use your civilian nuclear program to produce energy, we can ship you the uranium you need."

"May a flock of overweight pigeons collapse your roof while you sleep!"

"All we want is for your country to scale down your civilian nuclear program and allow rigorous inspections - so we can make sure you aren't secretly using your centrifuges to make bomb-grade uranium."

"May your mother be fitted for the boots of an army cadet!"

"You've got to admit, if Iran gets a nuke, things will really go haywire in the Middle East. Goodness knows what some of your hard-liners might do with that kind of power. An arms race would get ugly. The whole world would be put at risk."

"May an angry camel spit in your morning coffee!"

"That's why the U.S. and our five negotiating partners - Britain, China, France, Germany and Russia - have been trying to cut a deal with Iran."

"May Shamu the Killer Whale soil your living room carpet!"

"True, there is lots of disagreement with the approach Obama has taken. Some argue his eagerness for a deal will essentially give Iran cover as it continues to flout more resolutions. It's also true that a proper treaty requires the blessing of the U.S. Senate, but Obama is pursuing this deal solo. Nonetheless, we are where we are. Despite many loose ends, my country's leadership is determined to cut a deal with your country. So what do you say?"

"Death to America."

"Great! We'll send over the paperwork!"