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Ten Sure-Fire Ways to Fail as Democrats

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

In an effort to be less than constructive, here are eight sure-fire ways for Democrats to further alienate and enrage the citizens they’re supposed to serve. Hit-or-miss approaches in 2009 haven’t gone far enough, but with these ten helpful strategies, the sky is the limit.

Keep saying that you are concerned about the deficit and brag about your efforts to save millions while continuing to spend trillions. When anyone takes a stand for “pay-as-you-go,” chastise them for being heartless. You don’t get elected for cutting spending; you get elected for giving goodies to those who elected you.

Sean Hannity FREE

Even though the richest 5% already pay 60% of the income taxes, keep saying they don’t pay their “fair share.” By fueling voter envy, you’ll help Americans justify making the rich pay for everything they can’t afford themselves. By keeping them greedy and dependent, you’ll have their vote.

Bribery is illegal for everyone else, but remind voters that special deals and costly earmarks are the only way to get things done in politics. Don’t let ethics get in the way. Treating certain states and constituencies differently and providing special exceptions is what politics is about. To the winners belong the spoils.

Push crisis every day in every way. Seeing threatened polar bears running out of ice and dying patients without coverage makes for heart-wrenching video. Even though new healthcare benefits won’t be available for four years and more polar bears are dying in computer-modeled projections than in real life, fears and tears justify transformational change. With any luck, you can make the changes before anyone realizes how much they will cost.

Keep your laws complex, wordy and secret for as long as possible. Don’t worry! Most Americans have a short attention span and an inability to look at anything in depth. Feed your supportive media some reassuring sound bites and release the full text as late as possible to give the illusion of transparency.

Keep reminding Americans that it’s Republicans who want to control their lives. They want to control a woman’s body, deny gays the right to marry and impose their religious values. This distracts voters from efforts to force them to buy health insurance, pay higher taxes, control their carbon footprint and regulate everything they use.

Bring the mantel of faith to the cause of more entitlements. Jesus had no love for the rich. Portray him as a divine Robin Hood dedicated to taking from the rich to give to the poor…and the middle class…and anyone who voted for Democrats. Jesus said “Render unto Caesar.” Hey, why not “Render unto Washington!”

Keep claiming the mantel of truth on “global warming.” Calling it “settled” science and demeaning critics will help silence unsettling critical inquiry and provide cover for the “scientists” while they deal with the recent cooling trend, their “lost” data and questionable research models.

Provide short-term incentives for businesses to hire new workers. Don’t tell them, but once the fools are successful and making a profit, you’ll require them to pay for everyone’s healthcare and tax away any of the profits they have left.

Finally, stop the bipartisan summits. Get back on message—“We’re open to any good ideas, but Republicans made this mess and have no plans of their own.” Keep Republicans in their place—down there somewhere. Collaboration and attempts at bipartisanship do to political power what sugar does to teeth. You wouldn’t want to rot your teeth; you don’t want to dilute your power.

With these helpful hints, you can make a final push to remake America. At your left-wing events, crowds will still appear to support you. Don’t let the growing Tea Party demonstrations, dropping poll numbers and lost elections deter you from your illusion of “hope” and “change.” By the way, the Surgeon General warns that using these suggestions may be hazardous to your own political career and a disaster to the country you have sworn to serve and protect.

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