The following column is satire.
Fellow Comrades, Socialists, Proles, and Occupy Wall Street allies,
Merci beaucoup (that means thanks very much in French - always have to throw in a reminder of my favorite country) for biking, walking, taking public transportation, electric or hybrid vehicles, carpooling or however else you made it here. I want to to talk about the most serious problem facing our country right now. Fast food workers are unable to make a living on $15 an hour. These workers shouldn’t have to get second jobs or cut down on their spending habits. Everyone is entitled to an iPhone or a Samsung S6 now; you heard me announce it here first, it’s a right! Granted, I can’t afford to pay the interns working on my campaign more than $12 an hour. But that’s beside the point.
I read a good article recently, entitled Scandinavia Isn’t a Socialist Paradise. Brothers and sisters, I have some good news. Due to those countries retreating from socialism (they must not have implemented it properly, because I can’t understand why it wouldn’t work), they're no longer much further ahead than we are and are no longer countries to emulate. With the exception of Denmark, the other Scandinavian countries pay almost the same amount in taxes as we do. We can triumphantly say we’ve caught up in the taxation of our people for the common good, although they're still ahead of us on letting in lots of Muslim immigrants.
I’d like to give a shout out to my Occupy Wall Street supporters. I feel your pain. Even though I’m worth $460,000, which puts me in the top one percent, I’m only a millionaire, not a billionaire. That’s why I’m careful to say, “The billionaires are on the warpath.” Plus, every time I note that I’m white and attended the prestigious University of Chicago, I always add “check my privilege” to qualify it. Let’s not point out how many of YOU have the newest MacBook Pro, iPad, iPhone, etc. Just keep the pressure on and let’s flip this country around and take it back from Wall Street!
<Black Lives Matter protesters interrupt, chanting “Say her name, say her name!”>
Look, I wish I was black. I feel very guilty. I’ve thought about changing my race like Rachel Dolezal did. But I’ve been advised with my facial features I couldn’t pull it off realistically. At least you girls here protesting have iPhones, designer handbags and clothes, elaborate hair and manicured nails, so you’re obviously not wanting for money like those poor fast food workers. I know a lot of middle class folks who are foregoing extras like that right now, unable to get enough hours to work, often supporting several children. Fortunately, most of you protesters are young and have time to spend protesting since you don’t have any children to take care of. You are the future!
Some candidates run for office and have no agenda. You can’t accuse me of that. I’ve got a 3-point plan. As the first socialist candidate to successfully make it this far within the Democratic Party, I am announcing here first an effort to change the Democrat’s donkey symbol to a fist. The donkey is silly and no one respects it. With the fist as our symbol, we will appear fierce, and can seamlessly merge with the Socialist Party. Years ago, I never thought I would run as a Democrat. Now, I can’t tell the two parties apart. Socialized healthcare, a $15 minimum wage, free college education and growing the size of government at a remarkable pace. It’s a good time to be a socialist in America!
Second, I am going to form a Central Committee to legalize marijuana nationwide. I treasure my memories camping out, smoking joints and becoming high as a kite while listening to The Grateful Dead. I think all Americans should be able to enjoy experiences like that.
Third, you’ve heard me rail against big corporate contributions buying elections. I’m going to end all that. The only large contributions candidates should be allowed to receive should come from unions. I’m proud to say that the Machinists/Aerospace Workers Union is responsible for sending $105,000 my way over the years. Close behind is Teamsters, with $93,700. In fact the top 20 contributors to my campaigns have been almost all union related. In all socialist countries, unions rule!
If you want an old white guy and “pot-smoking socialist” (as Barack Obama called me) in the White House, I’m your guy. Sure, marijuana is more harmful than people admit, but so far no one has been able to prove that I personally have lost brain cells from pot smoking. I think it adds to my coolness factor, and unlike Obama, who slinks around hiding cigarettes, I have the guts to smoke a joint inside the White House.
A political revolution is coming and we are the vanguard. Tell all your neighbors and comrades to vote for B.S.!