Dear UNC Board of Governors:
As you probably already know, Gabriel Lugo is president of the faculty senate at UNCW, which stands for The University of North Carolina for Whining Liberals. As faculty senate president, it is his job to use his office to campaign against Republican legislation and pretend he is a man of principle who is dedicated to fighting for academic freedom. Despite Lugo’s lack of intellectual honesty, I think it’s time for the Republican-led UNC Board of Governors (BOG) to begin negotiations with Lugo immediately.
As far as I can see, Lugo has at least two specific problems with the current BOG: 1. It is disproportionately Republican. 2. It is trying to shut down various left-wing political centers in the UNC system.
In Lugo’s view, this first problem threatens ideological diversity and the second problem threatens academic freedom. Because I am a uniter, not a divider, I have proposed a ten-step plan to help resolve the tension between Lugo and the BOG. I hope you will consider taking all of the following measures:
- English Department. Several years ago, I decried the fact that there were no Republicans in the English Department, despite the fact that they had 33 full-time faculty members. In fact, I sent an email to the faculty senate asking them to think about the issue of ideological diversity. Only one senator, who was an English professor, responded. He said it would be inappropriate to consider politics in hiring. He also said it was just a coincidence that they had no Republicans in the department. Later, that same English department hired a poet who had published a poem describing a fantasy about having sex with (and ejaculating inside) a dead woman. I say we should put a liberal on the BOG just as soon as the English department hires a conservative. I just think they need someone traditional enough to decry having sex with corpses. Otherwise, intellectual rigor mortis may set in.
- Sociology Department .The UNCW sociology department is looking for a new chairperson. I say the BOG should appoint a liberal. But only if the sociologists will hire me as their new chairman. Department meetings would be much more lively. Don’t you think?
- Education. The education school has already hired a professor who teaches Black English to white students planning on teaching black kids. I think they need to hire someone to teach White English to black students planning on teaching white kids. If they do, we’ll put another Democrat on the BOG. Political discrimination? Wigger, please!
- African American Studies. This department is a worthless joke, unless you’re on the UNC basketball team. But we could make it more legitimate by adding a conservative to the faculty. He could teach about how abortion is wiping out the black population faster than bad ratings are wiping out MSNBC. In exchange, we could take a member of the Planned Parenthood board of directors and put her on the BOG. An even trade!
- Women’s Studies. This department really needs to hire a man to teach about the sexist family law system. In exchange we could put an angry lesbian on the BOG. I think Rachel Maddow might be looking for work soon. I’m sure we could get in touch with her. I’m told that Tom Ross has her on speed dial!
- White Poverty Center. We have scholarships for every minority except for whites. Poor blacks get a break. Poor Hispanics get a break. Poor Native Americans get a break, too. But not poor whites. I say we let rich white liberals like Gene Nichols keep their poverty centers. And we should keep the African American Center. But only if we establish a center to study why rich white liberals think that poor minorities are victims of “society” while poor whites are victims of bad decisions.
- Men’s Center. We really need to keep the Women’s Resource Center in the library. I like the idea of having angry feminists confined to remote locations on an otherwise scenic campus. But we need a men’s center, too. There has to be a safe place where men can go and reduce their chances of being falsely accused of rape or sexual harassment by administrators trying to impress the Department of Education.
- El Centro Anglo. Abortion and immigration are killing western civilization. But we really need a special center to help us get the message out. The BOG should get behind an effort to open such a center on the UNCW campus. We could become the University of North Carolina for Western Civilization. The liberals won’t like it but in exchange we’ll let them continue to run El Centro Hispano and lobby for amnesty for illegal aliens. And we’ll put a Taco Bell in the student union, sandwiched in between Chick fil-a and the LGBTQIA Office.
- Straight Center. I always thought that opening an LGBTQIA Office was a queer thing to do. I say we let them keep their office in exchange for letting us open a campus straight center. We could invite the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to the grand opening. No, I'm not kidding. I’m a straight shooter. And I’m saying this with a straight face.
- Intellectual Diversity Office. In exchange for keeping their Office of Institutional Diversity, we should open our own intellectual diversity center. In such a center, we could offer workshops teaching liberals why they don’t get to dominate the BOG when the governor is a Democrat and continue to dominate it when the governor is a Republican. In other words, we could slowly explain that elections are like bad ideas. They have consequences.
Finally, I know all of this is going to be emotionally traumatic for faculty senate president, Gabriel Lugo. I’ve already bought him a roll of Che Guevara toilet paper. I’ll let someone else tell him that no one listens to a little senator who keeps crying wolf. And no one is afraid of an unarmed revolutionary.