Obama’s Mind-Numbing Address to the Gullible

Posted: Apr 06, 2014 12:35 AM

As an exercise designed to increase one’s pain tolerance, watching the President’s weekend address isn’t a bad way to go. And while watching the three and a half minute video isn’t completely unlike grinding a cheese grater across one’s forehead, I prefer the written word over watching a Harvard graduate read from a teleprompter. That’s mostly because it lends itself more to editorial narration:

The President’s weekend address, as edited by yours truly:

Hi everybody.

Today, our economy is growing and our businesses are consistently generating new jobs.

Of course, our Campaigner in Chief fails to mention that we have a record number of people who have dropped from the labor force, unimaginable under-employment, and a continuing decline in household incomes… But, yeah. Other than that, things are awesome.

But decades-long trends still threaten the middle class. While those at the top are doing better than ever, too many Americans are working harder than ever, but feel like they can’t get ahead.

Wow… Let’s dive right into that “class warfare”. I mean, heck, income inequality has increased under the shadow of Obamacare, Dodd-Frank, and team Obama… But, yeah, act like a spectator in this equation Mr. President.

That’s why the budget I sent Congress earlier this year is built on the idea of opportunity for all. It will grow the middle class and shrink the deficits we’ve already cut in half since I took office.

Um… Really? The guy that added $7 trillion in new debt (so far) is trying to take credit for “cutting deficits”? Well, I guess that explains why our nation is in poor economic shape: Our Harvard graduate in the White House seems a little confused by simple math. To put things into perspective: we’re still running deficits that are larger than any deficits seen before the age of “hope and change”, despite us having raked in record-breaking revenues. President Obama has “cut the deficit in half” from his initial spending spree…

In other words: Mr. President, you have a spending problem.

It’s an opportunity agenda with four goals. Number one is creating more good jobs that pay good wages. Number two is training more Americans with the skills to fill those jobs. Number three is guaranteeing every child access to a great education. And number four is making work pay – with wages you can live on, savings you can retire on, and health care that’s there for you when you need it.

Cool. Now who’s going to pay for this? I mean, $10 bucks per hour sounds like an awesome wage for a hamburger flipper – but paying $5.00 for a Big Mac isn’t exactly going to be an economic boom to the lower class.

This week, the Republicans in Congress put forward a very different budget.

This is true… Republicans generally depended on math, and economic reality for their budget.

And it does just the opposite: it shrinks opportunity and makes it harder for Americans who work hard to get ahead.

Because allowing people to keep more of their money always results in less opportunity, right? Only when government confiscates more of that next dollar you earn, do doors really start opening in your life. (Just imagine I was using a universally identified sarcasm font.)

The Republican budget begins by handing out massive tax cuts to households making more than $1 million a year. Then, to keep from blowing a hole in the deficit, they’d have to raise taxes on middle-class families with kids. Next, their budget forces deep cuts to investments that help our economy create jobs, like education and scientific research.

Can I just translate that for you? “Republicans are evil, because… Koch brothers!” (Oh, and there are no middle class tax hikes in the GOP budget… Mr. Obama is assuming taxes will be hiked, because he doesn’t think there is any other way he can fund another $100 million vacation under the current GOP proposal.)

Now, they won’t tell you where these cuts will fall. But compared to my budget, if they cut everything evenly, then within a few years, about 170,000 kids will be cut from early education programs. About 200,000 new mothers and kids will be cut off from programs to help them get healthy food. Schools across the country will lose funding that supports 21,000 special education teachers. And if they want to make smaller cuts to one of these areas, that means larger cuts in others.

Look at Mr. Bipartisan bring everyone together! I guess cutting spending on America’s military is the only “acceptable” forms of fiscal restraint we’re supposed to consider. It’s pretty easy to tear apart a budget when you begin your critic with “I have no idea what you’re actually planning on doing, so let me make some stuff up…”

Unsurprisingly, the Republican budget also tries to repeal the Affordable Care Act – even though that would take away health coverage from the more than seven million Americans who’ve done the responsible thing and signed up to buy health insurance.

Pffttt… That’s nothing. The Affordable Care Act is projected to take away the health coverage from more than 15 million Americans who were already covered and happy with their private insurance. Oh, and we still don’t know how many of the Obamacare enrollees are actually planning on paying. (And don’t forget, only a small portion of those enrollees were previously uninsured.)

On the bright side: The rest of us (middle class) saw our taxes go up because of Obamacare. Hooray.

And for good measure, their budget guts the rules we put in place to protect the middle class from another financial crisis like the one we’ve had to fight so hard to recover from.

Wait… We’ve recovered? Is that what we’re calling it when 1/5 of the middle class falls below the poverty line? (Because, if so, I don’t think that word means what he think it means.)

Policies that benefit a fortunate few while making it harder for working Americans to succeed are not what we need right now.

Finally! I assume this means that Obama will be calling for an end to Union-focused Obamacare exemptions, and crony green-energy programs.

Our economy doesn’t grow best from the top-down; it grows best from the middle-out.

Jenny Craig would disagree.

That’s what my opportunity agenda does – and it’s what I’ll keep fighting for.

Please keep in mind, Obama belongs to the same party that tried to play Obamacare-related layoffs as “freedom from job-lock”.

Thanks. And have a great weekend.

Too late. But we’ll try to have a nice November.