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OPINION
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Fat Chance That the New Victoria’s Secret Marketing Strategy Would Work

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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Phil Coale

With the arrest of a suspect in the Idaho murders, which the garbage FBI will probably try to take credit for, we should revisit a basic fact of criminal justice. Most criminals are idiots.

And speaking of the garbage FBI, the disgusting fascist persecution of the Capitol Hill protesters – the fact that the regime media puppets of the establishment imposed the recognizable label “January 6th” on that minor fracas was was a huge PR victory – must not be forgotten. The next GOP president must pardon every one of them and we must work toward the objective of defunding totally the FBI.

Finally, the CEO of Victoria’s Secret got fired for running her company into the ground by abandoning the company’s traditional aspirational focus – “You can look like one of these gorgeous women if you buy this frilly bra!” – for a giant ass-pirational focus – “You can look like Shamu and still be hot, no really you can.” That idea fell flatter than a ham sandwich crushed under the ample bottoms of one of their newest angels.

Abandon the Idea of Criminal Geniuses

So, it looks like this criminal justice grad student probably did the horrible Idaho murders. I am relying on the Idaho cops – to the extent the FBI is involved, I actively disbelieve anything those clowns might say. To the extent the current crop at Hoover’s house of mediocrity and corruption had anything to do with the investigation, the Tater State troopers would be wise to minimize it. The patriotic jurors of Idaho would be entirely right to distrust anything those creeps say.

By the way FBI, awesome job on how your total lack of integrity and competence has made it so a prosecutor’s son would not believe one of you if you testified the sun rose in the east. Just great work, everybody.

Apparently, the aspiring Ted Bundy left his Ka-Bar sheath at the site soaked in his DNA. He drove his crappy Hyundai to the scene, and he may have had his cell with him so the cops could fix his location. Look, I’m no expert, but that all seems to be stuff you would have on your “NOT TO-DO” list if you were trying to commit the perfect crime, or even a barely adequate one.

As noted, Judge Mom was an assistant DA in San Mateo County when I was growing up, and later did criminal defense before being appointed to the bench. One of her clients was a guy known as ”The Barrel Murder.” He used to write us little stories from stir starring our golden retrievers Penny and Missy. Anyway, Mom told me there is a common factor among criminals. They are almost all dumb, and even if they are objectively smart in other areas, they are always dumb when committing crimes. It’s just how it is.

Idaho murder guy basically left his business card at the crime scene. It never seemed to have occurred to Sam Bankman-Fried that someone might ask for his money back. Tiny Michael Avenatti, who I used to see swanning around the LA courthouse halls during the height of his fame, somehow imagined that being in the spotlight would not illuminate his myriad, obvious crimes. Something in their minds tells them “They will never catch me,” and then boom! They are making big rocks into little ones. 

Of course, if there are really smart criminals out there, we would never know it. They would never get caught. They are reading this right now and laughing.

Don’t Forget the Political Prisoners

It’s been two years since the beginning of the disgraceful persecution of American citizens for daring to stroll through their Capitol. The resulting abuse of civil rights has been a black stain on our country and alienated a generation of patriots. Back the blue? Hey, that used to be the default, but no longer – and that’s the cops’ fault. Now the Capitol Stasi arrested murdered patriot Ashli Babbitt’s mother for, essentially, jaywalking. LEOs, you need to clean up your own house if you want to win us back.

We cannot forget the patriots still suffering. The House must use its power to force the persecution to end. It does not take many holdouts to steer the ship of state. This is a hill worth dying on. And out next president must firmly reject our dual-track justice system by using his pardon power to ensure that the protestors get exactly the same treatment as the 2020 communist rioters – no prosecution, no jail time, and no criminal record. Will the establishment cry? Yes. Good.

Another Blow for Normality

Good news on the sanity front. The CEO of Victoria’s Secret got fired because the stock tanked, and the stock tanked because she tolerated woke. “Why not spotlight fat people instead of hot ones?” she brainstormed, to the widespread approval of the unattractive people within her circle of friends. The answer was because no one wants to see Ms. Moby Dick parading about in panties and a bustier, except for a very small demographic of fetish weirdos and Bulwark staffers.

Look, here’s the thing. If you’re pushing 375 and get delighted when you find a lost uneaten turkey leg wedged in one of your folds, you are objectively not attractive. The genius of Vitoria’s Secret is that it allowed regular people to play at being supermodels. But it did not lie them and insult their intelligence by telling them that they actually were supermodels. It was fantasy. It was awesome. 

This doofus CEO never got that. Instead of understanding and accepting that people wanted to be more than what cold, objective reality dictated, she decided to embrace the cold, objective reality and expect people to accept that. But not accepting cold, objective reality was the whole purpose of Victoria’s Secret. 

And while she and her marketing mavens forgot that, normal people did not. They wanted to pretend to look like Heidi Klum for their significant others – and the dudes were all over that. But you get rid of the Heidi Klums and fill the ads with Megan Rapinoes and Lizzos and the rest, and who wants that? Pay good money for lacey nothings to look like them? Ugh.

The marketing morons thought people actually believed that crap about accepting who you are. When did any real American ever do that? We are a nation of strivers, not accepters. And we are not stupid. American women, most of them, know they are not supermodels (men don’t actually care that much, which women do not get, but that’s a different subject). The ex-VS CEO insulted their intelligence by telling them the lie that they are. And the women got annoyed and kept their money.

Hmmm. Lying about who people are. Sound familiar? 

Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get Inferno, the seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, as well as his non-fiction book We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.

My super-secret email is kurt.schlichter@townhall.com.

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