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There Probably Needs to Be a Law

The Important Thing Is No Mean Tweets

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
AP Photo/Alex Brandon

Americans are a spoiled people who do not understand just how good they have it – sure, the economy is tanking, our kids are locked out of school, and President Badfinger is handing the Chi Coms our country on a platter, but that ignores the big picture.


There are no more mean tweets.

Donald Trump has been successfully banished by means of the most honest and legitimate election ever, according to important and smart people who would never lie to you and who have zero personal interest in reinforcing the power and position of their garbage Establishment. Gone along with him, thanks to the brave help of the social media overlords, is his ability to tweet. No more mean tweets people – think of it! Savor it. And forget everything else that is going on.

You know, there have been legendary epochs in human history before now where everything changed for the better. The Age of Pericles. The Pax Romana. The Renaissance. The Obama years. And now joining these fabled eras, is the era of No Mean Tweets.

What a time to be alive!

Instead of mean tweets, we live in an age when we embrace science. Okay, some science. Not the science that says life begins at conception. Not the science that says men can’t menstruate. And certainly not the science that says public school teachers should go do their damn jobs. The other science, the good kind. Like the science that teaches that the world is getting hotter because you peasants have cars and barbecues. Science teaches us that it recently got cold in Texas because of global warming. And when it gets hot in Texas this summer, that will also be because of global warming.

Wow! Science and no mean tweets. We are experiencing a new dawn here, people.


The dearth of mean tweets does call for some trade-offs. It’s not all dessert, folks – you have to eat your broccoli too! These trade-offs include having tens of thousands of people put out of good American jobs because the Keystone pipeline was shut down and fracking banned. But the suffering of some people in the uncool precincts of the United States is an affordable price to pay for erotically unsatisfied wine moms in purple suburbs not having to get onto the Twitter machine and encounter mean tweets from the Bad Orange Man. And it’s a particularly affordable price to pay since these suburban swells aren’t the ones paying it. After all, their husbands have soft, girlish hands, unlike those wrench-wielding brutes.

Our military was once the most feared fighting force in human history, but under the command of Matlock-Fan-In-Chief President *, it is taking a two-month interregnum not to figure out why it hasn’t won a war since before Britney Spears went crazy, but to figure out how it can cleanse the ranks of people who like America and don’t announce their pronouns. Sure, there’s the risk of a bloody disaster where thousands of our troops will die because the brass chose to focus on college campus ideological fetishes instead of, you know, fighting and winning wars, but there is an upside.

No mean tweets.

In fact, we can carve that in the tombstones of the dead, if we can actually recover any of the bodies from the ships the People’s Liberation Army Navy sends to the bottom of the soon-to-be renamed Chinese Ocean: “Here lies Seaperson John Doe (He/Him). He died so that you would not have to endure any more mean tweets.”


Let’s have some perspective, people.

The First Amendment right to speak freely is under assault? But no mean tweets!

The First Amendment right to worship freely is under assault? But no mean tweets!

The Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms is under assault? But no mean tweets!

A dual-track justice system, where Capitol Hill trespassers languish without bail under a mountain of hyped-up charges while BLM/Antifa rioters go free with charges dismissed? But no mean tweets!

Fanatical leftist racism enshrined in every aspect of private and public life? But no mean tweets!

An illegal alien red carpet without all those pesky COVID tests? But no mean tweets!

Hey, Jen Psaki, is it true the administration wants us to tie diapers around our faces for the next few years even after everyone gets vaccinated? Sure, but let’s circle back to the real story – no mean tweets!

Now, there are some people out there who might weigh the terrible, crushing burden of knowing that Donald Trump is tweeting mean tweets against the wholesale devastation of the Asterisk Administration’s leftist program and think, “Gee, perhaps my aesthetic objections to some of the rough edges of our former president are not as important as ensuring that America does not sprint downhill into decline. Maybe, just maybe, in the big picture, Trump’s mean tweets were not as important as the things he actually did and did not do.”


Well, such people are racists, sexists, transphobes, and insurrectionists.

We are blessed, no longer with superficial things like freedom, prosperity, and national security, but now with the comfort that comes with knowing that not only will our current not-at-all-crusty president not tweet mean things, but that he probably can’t even figure out how to.

America, rejoice!

No mean tweets.

Conservatives Must Stand Together and Fight Against Biden and the Radical Left. Join Townhall VIP.

Mean tweets give way to straight-up liberal bashing in my newest novel Crisis, as well as my other four novels about what happens when America splits into red and blue countries, People's Republic, Indian CountryWildfireand Collapse!

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