Opinion

It’s Time For America To Break Up With Liberals

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Posted: Feb 18, 2019 12:01 AM
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not represent the views of Townhall.com.
It’s Time For America To Break Up With Liberals

Liberals, I think we Normal Americans need to see other people. In this national cohabitation, we’ve grown apart and maybe it’s time for you liberals to go your own way and find your Venezuelan bliss elsewhere. 

Hey liberals, it’s not me. It’s you. Because you suck. So get out.

By the way, the umbrella term “liberals” includes useless Fredocon contingent. After all, these vinyl-clad gimps are attached to their liberal masters by a figurative leash.

Now, I’d prefer we work our problems out and find a solution that keeps us together as one country. But a solution would require liberals to embrace things like freedom, tolerance, and the Constitution, while rejecting their current obsessions, like socialism, cultural fascism and being idiots. 

Pretty much what’s required is you liberals realizing that your whole ideology sucks, and stopping doing it. If you’re willing and able to cease being terrible, maybe with some counseling, and a lot of apologies and repentance on your part, we can make it work again. But otherwise, pack your Schiff and get the hell out of my country.

You can have New England. It’s cold and remote and you can’t do much to make it worse. But we get the Patriots. You’re just not worthy of them.

I wrote about a national break-up in my novels People’s RepublicIndian Country, and Wildfire, where the country splits into red and blue nations and – as with every single socialist country in history – the blue side turns into a festering cesspit of poverty, oppression, and misery. That hypothetical break-up is neither clean nor bloodless, and naturally, the blue side blames the red side for its own failures. Basically, the People’s Republic is just like Jussie Smollett blaming the Chicago MAGA-hat crew for all the bad things that befell him, and the people of the People’s Republic are just the random Nigerians who pay the price.

Does a national break-up seem a bit extreme? A bit excessive? Can’t we all just get along? My pal Jesse Kelly has long been calling for a national divorce (and when I realized I was mining a related vein for comedy gold, I called him up and got his OK to use my break-up metaphor because I am not a mainstream media hack), but I used to be pretty confident Normals and libs could reconcile. Now I’m not so sure. After all, in a world of Covington Kid lynch mobs, nuke-curious congressjerks and Democrats siding with anti-Semites, female abusers, and blackface pols, it’s become painfully obvious that liberals hate us Normals and want us dead or enslaved. Call me picky, but I’m not really down with that. 

So move out, libs. But peacefully. We should handle this break-up like adults. Just text first so we’re not home when you swing by with banker’s boxes to pack up your junk. Oh, and I’m keeping the dog.

How did it come to this? Well, I have a list. 

Because you liberals thought you could just sponge of our hard work for the benefit of the critical Democrat demographic that is those who are “unwilling to work.” Because you thought you could squander our blood on your idiotic and endless crusades overseas. Because you thought you could boss us around and treat us like serfs. But the thing is, you’re not hot enough to stick around with. We’re vibrant, sexy, and industrious people and we’ll be just fine on our own. But you have problems. You can’t grow food, transport it to hungry people, or drill for the fuel to make that happen. All you can do is code, blog and run your fool mouths.

Let’s review. Liberals are super-mad about the original agreement that bound us together as a country because things like the Electoral College and the Bill of Rights prevent them from having absolute power over us. They now want to change our prenup. Hard pass, golddiggers.

Their Deep State pals – I used to think that the whole “Deep State” thing was kooky and wacky until they actually admitted it – have taken it upon themselves to undo and overturn our elections because they think we decided wrong when we rejected Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit. This is problematic, since we never signed on to be ruled by a bunch of unelected liberal bureaucrats who can’t manage to stop a psycho creep who is sounding off on the web about how he plans to shoot up a school but who are totally eager to turn the full weight of American law enforcement upon political enemies. Phew! They got George Papawapaplatypus or whatever his name is off the street for two whole weeks

Oh, and they want us disarmed because the minute we’re defenseless the left will stop hating us and treat us better. No thanks. Your people in Liberalland can be helpless serfs and in America, we’ll remain armed citizens. Hell, we’ll probably make it mandatory that every citizen has an assault rifle to enable him or her to do his or her basic duty as a citizen to protect the Constitution and the community.

And then there’s the Green New Deal where they are demanding that we give up even more power and money to these urban achievers who want to ban our cars, ban our planes, and ban our rib-eyes as a sacrifice to Gaia the Earth Spirit. Nope. You can do what you want in your own country, including imposing the Weird Weather Cult as your state religion.

And finally, if liberal obstruction lets illegal aliens steal our jobs, steal our identities and steal the lives of our family members, to liberals that’s a small price to pay to achieve their goal of diluting our votes and remaking the electorate in the image of Oaxaca. A bunch of rich and unaccountable sophisticates surrounded by hordes of obedient, toiling peasants – that’s California right now, and that’s what liberals want for the entire country. 

The liberals get to be the rich and unaccountable sophisticates, the illegals get to be the peasants, and you and I? Well, we don’t really have a place in that scenario.

So why not let liberals have their own place, where they can do what they want and enjoy living in their own mess? Make AOC president – that would serve you right. Outlaw “hate speech” and “racism” and “bad think” and generally turn your whole new country into one big college campus. 

Take New England, libs, with its snow and chowder and Kennedys, and build your pinko Utopia. Would it be congested? Yeah, sure, but hey – you’re all for high-density urban living, right? Packed together, you can use public transportation or ride your ridiculous bikes in your ridiculous bike shorts to your shriveled hearts’ content! In America, we’ll still drive our cars, but look on the bright side – our shameless rejection of the climate change scam will give you something to be endlessly outraged about over there on the other side of the border.

Which we will close off, with a wall.

Again, check out my novels People’s RepublicIndian Country, and Wildfire, if you really want to revel in the politically correct suffering liberals will experience if left to their own inept, fascist devices without having us normal people to parasite off of.