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Can the GOP Establishment Stop Being Idiots Just Once?

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

The Congressional GOP, in its finite wisdom, has taken a look at the Democrats blowing their Blue Wave and decided that the smart play to exploit their unexpected (and undeserved) improving prospects by embracing the exact opposite of what the militant Normals sent them to Washington to do because…because they are establishment Republicans and stupid is what they do.


These geniuses have considered all the possible ways to use the limited legislative time available to implement a conservative agenda and decided that the big legislative priority during the ramp-up to the midterms must be handing citizenship to a bunch of future Democrats who shouldn’t even be here in the first place – and all over the thunderous objections of GOP voters. Paul Ryan’s eager to bring it up again because he’s super savvy in some alternate universe, and if he won’t, the Squish Squad wants to force a vote on comprehensive immigration capitulation via a discharge petition they would sign in collaboration with the Democrats.

Well, discharge this, jerks.

Apparently, we’ve been unclear about where we GOP voters stand on this issue, so let me clarify it for you members of the Congressional Nitwit Caucus.

No freaking amnesty.

No amnesty.


No “comprehensive reforms.”

No compromises.

No amnesty.

But the aspiring valedictorians of DACA…

No! Deport them!

But the children!

No! Deport them!

But Jesus says…

No! Deport them! And stop trying to Jesusplain immigration at us!

But our rich RINO donors want a never-ending stream of cheap labor that is terrified to speak up and is therefore pliable, unlike you uppity citizens who they would actually have to pay a decent wage…

No! Deport them!

What is this fascination with allowing foreigners who have disrespected our laws to jump the line ahead of the aspiring Americans who played by the rules? Why are the GOP Fredocons so set on ignoring their own voters’ repeated howls of protest? We know why the Democrats do it – Normal Americans have grown angry (some might say militant) and refuse to obey their liberal betters, and therefore they must be replaced by an imported electorate that knows its place.


But the Republicans? What’s their excuse? Why are Congressional Republicans so much more effective at implementing the liberal agenda than the Democrats are? Why do they insist on risking electoral suicide time and time again by trying to jam amnesty down our throats after we keep telling them to jam it elsewhere?

We get why the Chamber of Commerce types want amnesty. They love the idea of a serf class whom they can pay pennies and then let us make up the difference through the social spending we have to shell out because these robber barons won’t pay their coolies’ full freight. Five years ago, illegals cost us taxpayers over $134 billion with a “B,” all so the Paul Ryan Party can please its corporate masters, and so Chuck Schumer’s crew can get some more votes and its elite members can get some cheap housekeepers. Basically, Republicans want you to dish out more dough in taxes so check-writing fatcats can get docile laborers and so a liberal couple in Santa Monica can pay meager wages to that nice Guatemalan lady who is raising Kaden and have their lifestyle subsidized by you.

How do you say “hard pass” in Spanish?

Let’s not even mention the crimes the Normals endure and the elite avoid living behind the guardhouses of their gated communities, from fender benders by uninsured illegals to MS-13 mass murders. At the end of the day, the people pushing illegal immigration cash in on votes or, well, cash, and we get handed the check.


How about no?

How about we enforce our laws?

How about we normal Americans demand that we get a say in who comes here and who doesn’t?

And how about the Republicans stop trying, again and again and again, to undermine and undercut the will of the party’s base?

No amnesty.


Don’t like it? Go home.

This is our country and this is our choice. You’ve proposed radically changing our nation by allowing massive, uncontrolled immigration, legal and illegal. And we’ve said “Hell no.”

Do what your voters tell you, Republicans. Stop trying to make amnesty happen. It’s not going to happen.

Now, maybe in Washington you think a bunch of illegal aliens worried about being deported is an emergency. Out here in America, we don’t. We think it’s a good start.

Yes, the president has talked about letting the DACA people stay, but as part of a deal that makes real changes to this broken system. Whether that deal would be worth it is arguable, but at least the president is demanding real enforcement. But Team Amnesty can’t even do that – they imagine that somehow we’re going to go for another round of “Okay, we’ll let a bunch of future Democrats become citizens even though they committed a crime coming here, and then later someday maybe possibly we might think about perhaps studying the contingency of sort of keeping the promise we made to stop illegal immigration the last time we amnesty-conned you.


I have a better idea. Ready?

Get the GOP base excited and happy going into the midterms by not doing the precise opposite of what we sent you to Washington to do.


Kooky, right?

No. Sane. We can’t blow the midterms by alienating our own people on behalf of aliens. Only a bunch of morons could think that’s a smart play.

Oh. Wait. Let me introduce the Republican Party.

No amnesty. We’re serious, folks. In fact, we’re positively militant.

Don’t push us. You won’t like how it ends in November.

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