Oh, the Democrats’ agony is soothing and sublime, like a warm lemon-scented bath whilst sipping Pappy Van Winkle's Family Reserve 20 Year Straight Bourbon Whiskey and puffing away on a fine Arturo Fuente Opus X “A” cigar lit by a bikini-clad Sofia Vergara or the conservachick or conservagay equivalent. The president – that’s President Trump, suckers – has nominated Neil Gorsuch to replace the irreplaceable Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court, and as a result, every heartbroken conservative has learned to love again.
Can you imagine if it was Jeb making the appointment?
“Here’s Myron Putney, who I know from the country club. Myron will be a justice in the tradition of David Souter, my father’s greatest triumph. He’ll build bridges and cross the aisle as he assumes the Ned Beatty seat on the Court.”
Ugh. And can you imagine if Hillary hadn’t been so thoroughly and completely rejected by normal Americans via the most humiliating electoral diss track in the history of ever?
“My nominee was born Fred but rejects that name as racist and sexist and instead uses the pronoun ‘xe’ to refer to xeself. A leader in the employment-challenged community, xe studied the Constitution in xis gender studies seminars at Oberlin where xe learned that the First and Second Amendments don’t exist, but a bunch of policy preferences we happen to share do appear in the penumbras and emanations of that dead evil white male Christian document, such as the right for no Republican to ever speak or be elected again.”
Yeah, we kinda dodged a bullet. A big, fat commie pinko bullet that would have ensured that normal people would have been relegated to second class citizenship. Remember, Hillary wanted to overturn the Supreme Court decision that held that the government could not toss people who wanted to make a movie criticizing her into jail. She wanted to neuter the right to keep and bear arms in a way she could never manage to do with Bill. And religious freedom? Sure, she’d protect your right to live your faith as you pleased as long as you got her permission and it didn’t interfere with the creepy psychodrama that was her quest for power.
Yeah, but none of that happened.
None of the liberals’ dreams of permanent power over the normal and hard-working came to pass. And darned if they don’t seem a bit steamed about it.
Conservatives, we need to stoke that stupid fire. This nomination is just going to be another in the seemingly endless missed kicks of Lucy’s footballs by the Charlie Brown left.
Hillary was totally going to win because all of that terrible, awful stuff the slobbering media said about her opponent. Nope. Dissed and dismissed, Frau Harpyheimer. Liberals’ dreams of electoral domination died like Bill’s libido when Hillary came home early that time the Real Housewives of Chappaqua were over visiting him in the hot tub and she tried to wade in.
Well, Trump’s Russian “hacking the election” stuff was going to finish him, aided by Hollywood hacks chanting in YouTube videos. Yeah, no. Turns out more electors deserted your candidate than Trump. Liberals, failure is your Axe Body Spray.
Then the inauguration was going to be a bust. The stenographers got out there and kept on message about how “dark” and “scary” President Trump’s speech was. Except the normal Americans you loathe and who your perfumed prince ignored for eight years kind of liked it when their president promised to put their interests ahead of greedy foreigners and domestic elitist snobs. Here’s the thing: when you find the idea of putting America first terrible, you necessarily put yourself at odds with actual Americans. They would kind of like to be the first priority of their president. And sadly, at least for you, only Americans can vote (or at least only Americans will vote after the president gets through cleaning out the illegal aliens and dead people infesting the voter rolls).
Then you liberals decided to do big marches where you live and nowhere else wearing genital costumes and to give Ashley Judd a mic before you confirmed whether she’d gobbled her meds. Dressing like woman junk and slam gynopoetry from washed up ex-Hollywood bimbettes might thrill in New York, D.C., or California, but it creeps out the normals. And since you get the same number of electors in New York, D.C., and the formerly Golden State whether you get 60 percent or 70 percent of the vote, your big, dumb march was just a big, dumb exercise in political onanism.
Oh, but banning people from countries like Sudan, Somalia and Syria – now that was going to finally be what did Trump in. Yeah, normal Americans hate it when we don’t invite over people from cesspools of savagery to live on the dole at our expense while actual Americans suffer. We love being targeted by freakish weirdos who try and kill us to get the nookie in eternity they were too lame to score on Earth. And we just love when semi-employable hipster dorks descend on our airports to make flying even more miserable.
Here’s a pro tip: when you start talking about how few people have been killed in America by radical Muslim freaks “since 9/11,” you remind us of the 3,000 people killed by radical Muslim freaks on 9/11. And no, you can’t gaslight us into writing off those murdered since as mere “workplace violence.”
Hey, let me word-meme you. Think about Kermit sipping some Lipton as you consider how “49 percent of American adults said they either ‘strongly’ or ‘somewhat’ agreed with Mr. Trump's order, while 41 percent ‘strongly’ or ‘somewhat’ disagreed.” Damn, that has got to hurt, but I’m beginning to think you’re into that scene.
So this leads us to the next Democrat lemmingfest as your dwindling contingent in the Senate prepares to go full Thelma and Louise over Judge Gorsuch. Or should I say, Soon-to-be-Justice Gorsuch, because thanks to Harry Reid, your filibuster has been filibusted. He’s getting confirmed no matter what you do. Plus, he’s a great guy who presents well and who normal people will look at and say, “Hmmm. He seems nice.” But please, don’t let something like the fact you have no chance of success and a huge chance that you will make yourself look like complete idiots deter you from your kamikaze crusade to cater to Team Soros.
I want you to oppose Soon-to-be-Justice Gorsuch. Loudly. Proudly. Tone deafly. Tell yourself that, “Well, the GOP won the Senate after doing nothing but obstructing Obama, so it’s gotta work for us, too!” Just skip over how the GOP was obstructing stuff that normal people hate, while you geniuses will be obstructing stuff loved by everyone who doesn’t live within walking distance of a feminist bookstore that serves cruelty-free intersectional chai lattes. And pay no attention to the looming 2018 elections where you have 25 seats at stake. It’s all gonna work out fine!
Please. Keep doing what you are doing. And we’ll keep luxuriating in that warm bath tub, which we will top off with Chuck Schumer’s tears.