In the midst of our joyous celebrations, and as we savor the delicious schadenfreude left in the wake of Hillary’s humiliating rejection by normal Americans, it’s easy to forget that there is a much darker timeline where things could have gone very differently . . . (Hat Tip: John L. Pitts; Mickey White)
The first few weeks after President-elect Clinton won the election set the tone for what she expected would be the next eight years, and that tone was neither gracious nor inclusive. She wasted no time in flaunting her 306 electoral votes and the Democrats’ 52 seat Senate majority. “America has decisively rejected the hate embodied by Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters,” Hillary bellowed, as she gripped the podium unsteadily, still woozy from her 80 proof election night “party.”
She went on: “I have a massive mandate to impose fundamental change and usher in a new America! And let me warn those who would seek to stop us – you do so at your peril!”
Her supporters were even less restrained. As Joan Walsh of Salon crowed: “The message to backward, uneducated, angry cis white males in Jesusland is that you’re not needed and you’re not wanted. You don’t even get in the room, much less a seat at the table!”
Complaints by Trump supporters of voting irregularities in places like Detroit were dismissed by Clinton as “ridiculous whining by losers. All these claims of voter fraud, foreign influence and ‘fake news’ are just pathetic excuses by the side the voters rejected.” She called the complaints of a “rigged election,” the pleas to the electors, and the recounts “attacks on our Constitution’s democracy (sic) and the kind of thing only a bitter, rejected failure would engage in. The losing candidate ought to be embarrassed by this pathetic performance.” The media eagerly joined in savaging anyone who did not absolutely and unequivocally accept the legitimacy of the new President-elect.
Incoming Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was delighted with the opportunities presented by Democrats holding all three branches of government. “With her overwhelming mandate, the Republicans need to understand that their obstructionism won’t be tolerated. The Reid Rule was an important reform that allows a President to have his, her, or xer’s nominees confirmed despite a filibuster. We will certainly use it to confirm President Clinton’s Supreme Court nominee, and to pass critical legislation like single payer. The filibuster is outmoded and it should never, ever, under any circumstances, be used to obstruct a new president from making appointments and pushing through key priorities!”
Incoming House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi remarked that, “The House is ready to work with the new President to ensure the values of enlightened places like Washington and San Francisco will no longer be obstructed by the cis-het male troglodytes who refuse to acknowledge their legacy of evil. This is why my first act will be to introduce the National Restroom Equality Act to ensure that backwards people can no longer avoid confronting the reality of gender fluidity when going to the bathroom.”
She added, “And now that Elizabeth Warren is heading to the Supreme Court, the gun nuts are in for a rude awakening. We are no longer going to tolerate the epidemic of mass murders committed by conservative Christian NRA members. I will be introducing legislation to outlaw dangerous weapons like automatic assault shooting rifles and killer pistol guns that fire 100 bullets a second with their 200 bullet clips.” Gun sales hit five million in November 2016 as the New York Times howled that “Gun confiscation is a moral necessity!”
Hillary even had some Republican support. “I just adore Ms. Clinton and she can count on my loyalty and help,” said a smiling Lindsay Graham. “The key to a successful Republican opposition is cooperation and flexibility in our positions. I’m particularly excited about my new comprehensive immigration reform bill to bring these poor, innocent undocumented workers out of the shadows and into the voting booth!”
Bernie Sanders, asked about legislative priorities in the new Senate, explained, “I think I have lost my shoe. It’s a brown shoe and I thought it was on my foot, but it seems to be gone and I think I have lost my shoe. Do you have my shoe?”
Hillary announced an ambitious agenda for her first 100 days. There was the new law designed to circumvent Citizen’s United; Hillary fully expected her 5-4 liberal Supreme Court to uphold the provision imposing a two-year prison sentence on those making movies critical of progressive politicians. Similarly, Hillary was confident that the new high court would find another exception to the First Amendment to uphold the “Stop Hate Speech Act.” In conjunction with her “Fairness Doctrine” executive order, it promised to eliminate the unregulated cacophony of disruptive voices on radio, cable and on the internet in favor of a reasonable, gatekept consensus. It would also prevent people from writing books that spread dissent.
Then there was the fracking and oil drilling ban; the Saudis who had helped fund her campaign were delighted that America would turn its back on its hard-won energy independence. Noting that this would devastate Texas and other red states, John Podesta wrote, “That will show those yokels they best get in the Clinton Caboose next time.” This comment was revealed in an email obtained by a precocious 16 year-old from Idaho who got access to Podesta’s new AOL account by tricking him into hitting a link in a phishing email with the subject line “What Mary Ann From Gilligan’s Island Looks Like Now Will Take Your Breath Away!”
Hillary got busy making other key appointments. The EPA was filled with climate change “realists” who had faithfully updated their dire predictions of doom each year as the previous year’s dire predictions of doom failed to come true. The new IRS commissioner promised to continue to deny tax-exempt status to troublesome dissidents, and to go further and withdraw the tax deductions from churches and synagogues that refused to sanctify gay marriage. Mosques, however, got a pass.
Hillary’s immigration czar, one of the six “trans, questioning and/or genderfreak” individuals she promised to appoint to key Administration jobs, was very concerned about there being far too few Muslims in America. Xe promised to increase immigration from the Middle East ten-fold. Coincidentally, exit polls had showed that Muslims voted 80% Democrat. As for other immigration enforcement, Hillary ordered ICE to “stand down” and stop all deportations: “The idea that this country can deny citizenship-challenged people their right to be here is part of America’s shameful racist legacy!”
Hillary also announced that she had named Bill Clinton ambassador to Papua-New Guinea.
The media was excited too. “This just reaffirms our relevance,” said Brian Stetler of CNN. “And it shows how important it is for the media to reject so-called objectivity and embrace a new truth-telling style of journalism where we explain things to those citizens who do not live in large, coastal cities and are therefore not wise enough to understand the world without our patient guidance.” Thomas Freidman urged that “We need to move beyond the so-called concern for the ‘rights’ of our ignorant, bigoted conservative minority and move forward aggressively with progressive change, like our friends in China would.” A congratulatory call to Hillary by the President of Taiwan was sent to voicemail.
In a New York Times interview headlined “President Clinton’s Grace and Poise Shines a Bright Light of Justice Upon an Ecstatic Nation,” Hillary talked about those Americans who failed the moral test of supporting her: “The sad fact is that many millions of Americans are sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobia, transphobic, homophobic, and … wait, did I already say ‘homophobic?’ I did? Okay, then cut out that second ‘homophobic.’” The Times complied.
She continued: “We will reward our friends and punish our enemies – domestically. I will govern for the benefit of the people who make up the future, not the irredeemable people who make up the past. They need to understand that they are at the back of the line now, that they must adapt for the good of the whole and accept their new status. This means changing their notions of religion, giving up their guns, and realizing that their so-called rights are subject to the needs of the many. They lost, we won, and now they must stop talking and start listening.”
But the Other Americans, as the media began calling them, weren’t ready to do that. On the 101st day after her inauguration, Governor Greg Abbot called the White House to request a meeting with the new President about “an important subject.” White House Chief of Staff Huma Abedin directed that no one return his call. “Texas can wait,” she said, provoking a raucous chorus of laughter among the Ivy League grads staffing the West Wing.
However, Texas and the other red states couldn’t wait. And when they announced their intention to #RedExit the United States, Hillary was furious. But with all the guns in the red states, and most of the military being from them as well, there was little she could do other than shriek and hit the Crown Royal harder than usual.
She decided to seize the initiative, telling the nation, “We’re kicking them out!” But that plan went poorly as well. So when she finally left office, the country split apart and the economic crisis deepening as the blue states discovered that climate change karma can’t generate power and that you can’t eat diversity, Hillary wondered if she had been wrong in starting her term with a ruthless attack on nearly half the population. That thought passed quickly. “No, it’s the fault of those racists and sexists. Yeah, that’s it. It was all the racists’ and sexists’ fault. And probably the Russians.”
But, of course, the timeline didn’t go that way, did it?