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There Is Some Good News

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Things are not all bad. They’re just mostly horrible.

In a month we’re going to choose between being led by Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Massively Corrupt. But let’s look on the bright side. With Trump, we’d see checks and balances like no one has ever been checked and balanced in the history of either checking or balancing. Do you think Paul Ryan – assuming that his foray into fussy establishment virtue signaling by stepping on the momentum of Trump coming off a terrific debate victory doesn’t make him minority leader – is going to carry water for Grabby O’Gynogroper?


The good news about Hillary is that Americans have about 300 million guns, which should check and balance what her progressive ilk traditionally yearns to do to those of us who are “deplorable” and “irredeemable.” Hint: it ain’t “fun camps.” It’s good news that the Second Amendment allows us to retain the ultimate veto of leftists’ fantasies of fundamental transformation.

And we should assume Felonia von Pantsuit will be president, mostly because Trump has the iron discipline and laser-like focus of a basketful of puppies dumped into a squirrel corral after smoking meth. But maybe the idea of not focusing on the astonishing corruption in the Wikileaks documents and instead catfighting with that human asterisk Paul Ryan is designed to mobilize alienated independents. So there’s a theoretical possibility that Trump won’t once again step all over his male equivalent of what he talks about grabbing, but the chances are … not good. To which his gushing supporters will respond “So, you’re saying there’s a chance?”

Let’s try to look on the bright side of life elsewhere.

Abroad, Iranian-backed dirtbags are shooting missiles at our ships. The good news is they missed. This time.

Putin is putting missiles in that threaten Poland. Good thing we have an anti-missile defense … oh. At least Putin hasn’t invaded the Baltics yet, probably because he can’t believe anyone is really as weak and feckless as Obama appears to be. So that’s kind of like good news.


The NFL has turned hard left and embraced the jerks who diss the flag, picking sides in the culture war against us. They thought we’d just suck it up, but it seems we realized that sucking it up sucks. The NFL’s ratings are nosediving; looks like those owners are going to get a chance to pay the tab for their spoiled stars’ tantrums. So smile – they spit in our collective face and we went and found something better to do on Sunday. We’re starting to put a price tag on posturing; that price is pain. And their pain is our sugar.

But everything is not politics. Let’s be thankful for dogs. Dogs are still awesome. Cats – whatever. But dogs rule.

Here’s another good thing – our military. Yeah, people say it so often it almost becomes a cliché, but these men and women and, now, others, are out there doing their thing for us every day. And, frankly, we are showing ourselves unworthy. Yet there they are, and they sure as hell are not doing it for the money.

The flooding in Louisiana and the hurricane in the Southeast – those are bad things. But the way Americans helped their neighbors, without having to be organized or ordered around – that was something we can all be proud of.

Wine is a good thing. So is beer, except for boring, bitter craft beer that people insist is good in order to try and seem hip, but which makes them wish they had a crisp Dos Equis instead. It’s good that we will only have to endure pumpkin-infused stuff for three more weeks.


Smartphones are pretty awesome. Some of us crusties can remember back in the day before there were phones you carried around with you, even before the internet, back when we tied onions to our belts, which was the style at the time. Technology is awesome, even if it caused Twitter.

Fear the Walking Dead is off the air for a while, but Westworld is on. Those are both good things. Also, am I wrong or is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson the most charismatic guy in Hollywood? He’s just terrific – and I love that I don’t know (nor care) about his politics. I’m glad he’s around – watch Ballers and tell me he’s not a superstar.

And the best news is that my book has not yet come true. But hey, once Hillary gets cracking, I can just move it into the “Nonfiction” section.

See, things are not all bad. They’re just mostly horrible.

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