Now, more than ever, people need, good solid conservative advice, especially liberals, hipsters and social justice warriors. I am here to help!
Dear Kurt: I’m at a mall in California and there’s a gentleman with a rifle screaming “Allahu akbar!” and “I support ISIS! Do you hear me? ISIS! I love ISIS!” I have no idea who he is or what his motive might be. I bet he’s either a Tea Party Republican Christian or a Tea Party Republican Christian NRA member.
I’m just glad that our wise legislature has ensured we cannot carry guns of our own and make things worse by protecting ourselves as he fires at us indiscriminately. One thing’s certain: he bought his fully automatic weapon with 100 round clips through a gun show loophole without a background check, which I understand is totally legal and happens all the time. We should ban those.
Oh, and I’m also worried about a backlash of Islamophobia for … uh … no particular reason. What should I do? Signed, Wondering What I Did To Make Him So Mad At Us
Dear Head Donor: If it makes you feel better, and I’m sure it will, this really is all your fault. You absolutely caused this. No, not by trying to bring civilization to the stinking cesspit that was his homeland – if you had had your way, we would have left them to commit genocide on one another undisturbed while you virtue signaled at us for not doing something about it. No, you caused it by failing to submit and utterly surrender to your radical Muslim overlords! If you had just been more accepting of other cultures, you would have fully and unreservedly embraced his Salafist heresy, stuck your girlfriend in a burka, and swore off maple syrup-flavored craft beer forever. I suggest you go up to him right now and apologize.
Dear Kurt: I’m a recent college graduate with a major in UnRhyming Feminist Poetry and a minor in Eco-Activist Mime Theory, and now that I am no longer living on campus I am shocked to find that people refuse to agree with all of my ideas and opinions completely and without reservation. I’ve cried, I’ve complained, I’ve put up a 47 minute video on YouTube explaining how this oppressive dissent is a hate crime and … nothing. No authority figure has materialized to soothe my feelings and force others to conform to my whims. I just don’t understand. Isn’t the President sort of the dean of America?
Also, for some reason my parents’ checks have stopped coming and they have not called me back even after I texted them about this oversight. My last one used a frowny-face emoji to let them know it’s serious. I only have a few dollars left and I’m not sure what happens when I run out. I keep coming back to my apartment and the refrigerator never has more food in it than when I left. Also, this guy who calls himself my “landlord” insists I give him money, which offends me because of patriarchy and because I don’t think anyone can “own” land. What should I do? Signed, Can You Get Money From Somewhere Besides From Your Parents
Dear Parasite: Congratulations! You are about to discover nature’s incentive program. You like nature, right? Well, think of hunger and cold – you’ll learn about them soon enough – as Gaia’s way of telling you to pull on your sandals and walk on down to Starbucks to fill out an application!
Dear Kurt: I really enjoy the hilarious, unpredictable comedy stylings of comic geniuses like Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, that guy who replaced Jon Stewart, and Samantha something, I forget. She’s on one of those weird cable channels that shows lots of Big Bang Theory reruns? You know, the older woman who looks tired all the time? Her.
Anyway, I get my news from them and I just don’t understand how people can keep supporting conservative ideas after they get DESTROYED and DEMOLISHED over and over again. Sometimes the hosts get so committed to their DESTROYING and DEMOLISHING that they swear and drop the F-bomb, which you can totally make out under the bleeps! Anyway, I want to know how a guy without a show can help convince conservatives to change by telling them how evil and stupid they are. What should I do? Signed, Wants to Show Them Daily
Dear Hack Fan: Well, you may not have your own TV show – yet! – but don’t let that stop you! It’s pretty clear you meet the minimal qualifications of having a pulse and being fluent in pinko clichés. Start out small. Find a quaint bar somewhere east of I-5 or west of I-95. Look for pickup trucks and cars with bumperstickers that say things like “USMC” or “NRA,” and walk on in. Make sure you dress for the occasion – I suggest black skinny jeans with Keds, a man bun, and a t-shirt that says something like “Another Atheist for Feminism.” When everyone is looking at you – and they will be – initiate a conversation with a powerful insight like “You racist hicks are stupid to think AmeriKKKa is the greatest country on earth” or “Jesus is fake and only idiots like you believe in religion.” Then let the dialogue flow.
Dear Kurt: I’m a liberal man…
Dear “Man”: I’ve heard enough. There’s nothing I can do for you if you are going to start out by lying to me.