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Hillary Will be President Of Nothing

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
The only people who should be afraid of Hillary Clinton running in 2016 are her fellow Democrats, and the only thing they should fear more than her running and losing is her running and winning.

Hillary is a Lovecraftian monster, the Cthulhu of American politics who sleeps dreaming of victory, but she will never be president. You can take that to the bank, the same too-big-to-fail bank that probably paid her $250,000 for a 10 minute speech about income inequality.

Hillary is a punchline in overly-sensible shoes and a passion-quelling pantsuit. Ready for Hillary? Every serious Republican candidate sure as hell is, except Jeb Bush. Jeb actually hung a medal around her neck in the dumbest political play of all time until he shattered his own record by deciding that the key to the GOP nomination was to embrace Common Core and push amnesty. The only way Jeb could show worse judgment is if he called up Bill and asked him to babysit his teenaged daughter.

The Democrats have to be terrified. It's not the email scandal itself. It's the fact that her email ploy was so transcendently transparent, so agonizingly unnecessary, and so absolutely and utterly Clintonian. It never even occurred to her not to have a private email server in violation of the law. She just did it, because Clintons always pull that sort of stunt. It's in their blood. And everyone absolutely knows that nothing is going to change if she gets back in the White House. It will be scandal after scandal after mortifyingly tacky scandal for four solid years. We'll be lucky if she doesn't post $25,000 nights in the Lincoln bedroom on Craigslist.

Even the mainstream media will find itself compelled by the sheer weight of her venality to shout, "The Emperor has no clothes," while the rest of us plead, "Please put some on!"

Oh, and speaking of no clothes, there's Bill Clinton and his latest scandal. I'm not talking about the Lothario Express flights down to the Caribbean for sex parties with his billionaire pervert pals. I'm talking about the obscure internet site's story about a random teenager who's now claiming that Bill's her daddy. See, here's the thing: We don't know if it's true, but we can't be sure it's not.

"George W. Bush is my pa!" Nope, not buying it.

"Ronald Reagan knocked up my mama!" No, can't see it.

"Bill Clinton got with my mom and nine month later there I was!" Yeah, I can totally see that, especially if your mom wore blue.

Does anyone think Bill Clinton is going to be able to keep it in his pants just because Hillary's in the White House? Ha! This guy's going to go on a booty bender that would make the Rat Pack look like a bunch of Jesuit monks. Hillary may re-veto Keystone, but you can be sure that Big Bubba is going to be laying pipe across the country.

It's not that this elderly leech can't control himself - he can't - but that he doesn't want to. He feeds on attention, even if that attention comes from sowing his seed far and wide among willing liberal groupies eager to add Bill as a notch on their Ikea futons. Electing Hillary means four years of this creepy psychodrama, and everybody knows it especially the Democrats.

Barack Obama has already done untold damage to the Democrat brand. You can't win as a Democrat unless you can drive to the coast in under 15 minutes or you live in Madison, Austin, or a few other besieged commie outposts in Red America. You wouldn't know it from the way Republicans lie on their backs in craven submission, but the GOP holds more offices at all sub-presidential levels of government than they have in nearly a century. And they have Barack Obama to thank - the rebirth of the Republican Party is the only good thing that Marxist disaster has done for America.

So with the Democrat brand about as popular as chlamydia, Hillary will come in and finish it off. But as tempting as it is to let that happen, her Machiavellian perfidy may also finish off our Constitution, and her foreign policy incompetence might well finish off Israel.

So we need to stop her - and that shouldn't be too hard. After all, who actually likes Hillary? What's the name of one person who thinks Hilary has any qualification be President beyond the absence of testicles? What was her greatest achievement as Secretary of State - raising awareness of Burma?

No, a victory for Hillary would be a catastrophe for the country in general and the Democrats in particular, and the Democrats know it. She's an unprincipled creep and a crony capitalist concerned about one thing - lining the pockets of her tacky pantsuits. If this Midwestern frump hadn't gotten her hooks into Bill Clinton, she'd be just another tiresome, bourgeois Illinois granny pestering people to use their inside voices.

Americans are going to see right through her lies to the undistinguished, unlikeable nobody behind the curtain. Sure, the 90s were a time of relative peace and prosperity, thanks entirely to Ronald Reagan, but they were also a time of skin-crawling, cringe-inducing embarrassment that made us want to look away from Washington like you would from a drunken middle-aged accountant doing an impromptu striptease at a Christmas party.

And that's for those of us old enough to remember the 90s. Hillary's inexplicably counting on young people who were walking around in Huggies back when she was in the White House to vote for someone on the verge of walking around in Depends in 2016. She's ancient. What young person is going to be excited by her except for the connoisseurs of creepy hot grannies websites - who, come to think of it, will likely be the next sexual minority the Democrats embrace.

No, she's not going to run, because she knows if she runs she's going to lose, and even someone who can endure being the "wife" of Bill Clinton can only endure so much humiliation. She's a loser through and through, and the Martin O'Malleys, the Jim Webbs, and the Big Chief Warrens can smell her tired blood in the water.

My book's prediction notwithstanding, there is never going to be a President Hillary Clinton. And we should all rejoice, including Democrats.

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