“Jeb Bush 2016 Is a Surefire Winner,” Says Local Unicorn

Posted: Apr 07, 2014 12:01 AM
“Jeb Bush 2016 Is a Surefire Winner,” Says Local Unicorn

Can you feel the excitement? The Washington Post reports that all the important Republicans have decided that Jeb Bush is going to be our nominee in 2016. Phew, that’s a relief! If we had had a primary, we conservatives who actually do all the working and voting for the GOP might have had a say.

We sure can’t have that. In fact, this is the best news since the Establishment’s choice, President McCain, was reelected in 2012!

We conservatives need to understand that the rich donor/consultant class has only our best interests at heart. Sure, many of us second class Republicans are small business people or middle class parents struggling to make it in a country we built and defended. We feel the deck is stacked against us, and that our concerns are not only not shared by the GOP Establishment but are actively at odds with the wealthy elite that runs the party.

None of that is true. The truth is that we’re just stupid and selfish. Oh, and racist. Probably homophobic too. That includes gay conservatives.

Take amnesty. We conservatives shortsightedly think that amnesty and 30 million new citizens might cause social upheaval, dilute our votes and end up with us footing the bill for it. Like that matters! GOP Establishment figures such as Jeb understand that immigration reform means 30 million new workers who can displace Americans like us who insist on a decent wage, and who will be a ready market for the imported junk the captains of industry want to sell.

We conservatives need to think of someone else for once. And those someones are the zillionaires who support Jeb Bush. What about their needs?

Plus, Jeb speaks Spanish! The GOP Establishment knows that this will totally make Hispanics vote for him, because as they all know from that one time they talked to a Hispanic, all Hispanics are the same and are totally impressed when an Anglo guy busts out with “¡Hola!”

And don’t bring up the fact that Ted Cruz’s Spanish-speaking doesn’t seem like a selling point to liberal Hispanics. Cruz doesn’t have nearly the level of Latin authenticity that Jeb brings to la mesa.

By the way – Jeb! Isn’t that the kind of name us NASCAR people like? Oh, and Jeb totally digs country music artists like Taylor Nelson and Willie Swift. He’s one of us!

Sure, he pushes Common Core, but all this fuss over it just shows that we don’t know what we’re talking about. We need to leave our kids’ education to the experts – after all, these pros have made America’s educational system the envy of every country in the world, from Zaire to Zimbabwe!

Jeb isn’t a big supporter of Common Core just because it will create a zombie army of mindless drones ready to toil away for the very companies whose owners are pushing his candidacy. No, Common Core also has the advantage of consolidating power in Washington, D.C. Democrats love that!

It’s called bipartisanship, you racist!

And boy, is Jeb Bush bipartisan! In fact, last June, as chairman of the National Constitution Center, he gave Hillary Clinton an “award in honor of her career in public service and her advocacy efforts on behalf of women.” Don’t worry – she promises not to come back at him during a debate, in the off chance Jeb criticizes her stewardship of the State Department, with “If I’m so awful, why did you present me an award for it in 2013?”

And no, those conservative conspiracy theories about the award being made from the melted down dog tags of the Benghazi victims are totally untrue. You’re just a hater if you think the only thing a Republican ought to be handing Hillary Clinton is a subpoena.

Really, what could be better than a Clinton-Bush re-match? Sure, some conservatives believe the only worse ‘90s retro idea is a Blind Melon reunion tour, but think about the great tourist opportunities that Britain has with just one royal family. Why not have two?

What? You doubt Jeb would go hard at Hillary or any other Democrat? Don’t you remember how his father and brother refused to let liberals pound on them, how they got out there and fought back?

And Jeb Bush has been there at the forefront of the issues that matter most to conservatives, like IRS targeting, attacks on religious liberty, executive overreach, intrusive government surveillance, and gun grabbing. Well, not publicly, of course. See, he’s working behind the scenes. But believe me, Jeb is absolutely and resolutely for IRS targeting, attacks on religious liberty, executive overreach, intrusive government surveillance, and gun grabbing at a much slower pace than the liberals want.

So, what are his views on climate change, the greatest threat to mankind in the history of history? Well, I don’t know. Let me Google it right now as I write this! Well, the top link is a Politico article from April 23, 2013, titled “Climate’s Best Hope: Another Bush,” and it quotes the Florida environmental guy Jeb appointed as saying “I can see him coming around to some combination of a cap-and-trade program….”

Er, uh, did I mention that Jeb speaks Spanish?

Look, the real question is, “Can he beat Hillary?” And the answer? Well, just read my lips: “Jeb Bush is a slam-dunk winner!”