On Earth Day—Kiss a Hunter

Humberto Fontova
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Posted: Apr 25, 2015 9:01 AM
On Earth Day—Kiss a Hunter

The shriek sounded like a cockroach was spotted in the bathtub or a spider in the sink. But the second shriek convinced me it was something worse.

I’d just been in the bathroom myself, and dutifully dumped my wet hunting clothes in the hamper. Then put my wet wallet contents under the hair dryer set on medium. The usual pre-front thunderstorm had caught me on my deerstand and soaked me good. But I was pretty sure I hadn’t carried in any creepy-crawlies attached to my hunting clothes. So what on earth…?

“Three hundred and seventy- five dollars!” The words—even the syllables—comprising this third shriek were very clear. But now I was really confused. I didn’t carry anywhere near that much cash in my wallet?

“That’s some pretty expensive Bambi-Cheeseburgers-in-Paradise we had last night, Mr Bayou Chef! Shirley came out holding my soaked (but very readable) hunting licenses, permits, and stamps in her outstretched hand. I’d seen this look before, on Glenn Close near the end of Fatal Attraction. Or was it on Nurse Ratched?

“Yikes!” I thought. “The cat’s out the bag!” My wife had—gulp—actually seen what I spend for the privilege of hunting. The assorted licenses and tags--resident and non-resident—and assorted stamps, permits, etc. made a nice handful. And all those fees are on top of the price for all my hunting and fishing toys! (But many of those receipts I manage to successfully conceal. (So shuuuuuuusssh!)

For the last couple of decades those rustics who “cling to guns and religion” (mostly Republicans) have contributed over $1.5 billion per year towards preserving the very type of places President Obama visited this week (the Everglades) for his Earth Day speech denouncing Republicans.

To date, hunters and fisherpersons have shelled out over $20 billion “on behalf of the environment.” A study by the National Shooting Sports Foundation found that for every taxpayer dollar invested in wildlife conservation, hunters and fishermen contribute nine.

The Pittman-Robertson Act (1937) imposed an excise tax of 10 per cent on all hunting gear. Then the Dingell-Johnson act (1950) did the same for fishing gear. The Wallop-Breaux amendment (1984) extended the tax to the fuel for boats. All of this lucre goes to “protect the environment” in the form of buying and maintaining National Wildlife Refuges, along with state programs for buying and maintaining various forms of wildlife habitat.

The Everglades Wildlife Management Area, along with the adjoining Big Cypress and Florida Panther National Wildlife Refuges are all partly maintained with hunting license fees and excise taxes on hunting gear.

So please note: to "preserve nature," they don’t tax Birkenstock hiking boots and Ying-Yang pendants – but do tax my shotgun. They don’t tax Yoga manuals and Tofu tid-bits wrapped in recycled paper – but do tax my 30.06 deer rifle. They don’t tax binoculars or birding Field Guides with cutesy photos of the red-cockaded woodpecker and spotted Owl – but do tax the shotgun shells I blast at Mallards before arraying on my grill as Duck-K-Bobs (cooked rare and lovingly basted with plenty of butter, Cajun seasoning and teriyaki sauce).

Going further, they don’t tax Kayaks and rock climbing picks and ropes – but do tax my compound bow and rifle scope. They don’t tax the plastic water bottles on Mountain bikes (or the mountain bike itself, come to think of it) or the cutesy spandex shorts these yo-yos wear – but do tax my duck decoys and camo pants. They don’t tax Yanni and Enya CDs – but do tax the arrows I fling at Bambi before he sizzles on my grill as Bambi-burger (lovingly draped with thick bacon slices that dribble their appetizing fat into the meat while cooking. Then a chunk of cheddar cheese melted on top.)

You talk about a "Cheeseburger in Paradise," Jimmy Buffet! Try one from Bambi!

Ten cents of every dollar I spent on my hunting and fishing toys (I'd cite the total but my wife might read this) funds Federal and State "conservation" programs. From my guns and ammo to my duck calls and decoys, from my rods and reels to my lures and gaffs, from my trolling motor to the very fuel for my outboard – ten cents of every dollar in this ghastly expenditure funds habitat for Spotted Owls, Red Cockaded Woodpeckers, Bald Eagles, Ospreys, Manatees, Snail darters, Black-Footed Ferrets, California Condors, Florida Panthers and Sea Otters.

None of these creatures (from what I hear) make a decent Gumbo or even a passable Chili. I must be crazy. But I have no choice. And this avalanche of tax dollars comes on top of those I fork over for the stacks of licenses, and permits, and stamps I'm required to have before I set a foot afield or set my boat afloat. Last season these totaled $500. (But sweetie! There are huge fines for hunting and fishing without them!)

And all the above is on top of my voluntary dues and assorted donations to such as Ducks Unlimited. (But snookums! I thought you loved the duck print I brought home at 2: 45 AM from the DU Banquet/auction? And especially the picture of me with the nice Hooters girl who worked the keg in her camo bikini?) According to the National Shooting Sports Foundation these donations to such as DU, Pheasants Forever, etc. total $300 million a year.

As mentioned, just last year, hunters and fishermen (not birdwatchers, not rock-climbers, not kayakers, not nature-hikers) "contributed" $1.5 billion "big ones" “dollarinies,” “donuts” (to quote Steve Martin as The Jerk) to purchase and maintain places for greenie-weenies to frolic and nature-watch.

You'd think some thanks might be in order from these freeloaders – from the smarmy crowd not forced to buy any "Bird-Watching stamp" or "Hiking stamp," or "Kayaking stamp", or "Rock Climbing Stamp," or Yanni-Listening Stamp," or "Quartz-Crystal-Gazing-Stamp." You'd think Tofu-munchers might appreciate us hunters' funding habitat for their spotted owls, kangaroo rats, snail darters and louseworts, and bankrolling the scenery on their "nature trails" as they self-righteously plod along in their "earth-friendly" Birkenstocks and granola-flecked frocks., quartz crystals rattling in their pockets en route to a hillside Sunrise worship, crystal-gaze and Enya-listen.

We pay our way – in fact, we pay the hikers and bird-watchers way too. But rather than going afield as passive voyeurs, rather than regarding nature as a Disney cartoon, we accept nature's diktats. We revel in our role as full-fledged participants in her cycle of fang and claw (but add bullets, buckshot, broadheads, treble hooks and gaffs to the primal drama).

You'd think the voyeurs might throw us a bone every now and then? Well, think again. Here's the Sierra Club's official position: "Wild animals should not be valued principally in terms of whether they can serve as targets. As members of the family of life, we should respect the moral right of all creatures to exist, to be free of unnecessary predation…”

Fine. But try telling my family and tailgate party-chums those Bambi-burgers are “unnecessary.”

Anyway, you’re quite welcome, Greenies.