. . . And in other news, Joan Rivers is slated to grace the cover of Playboy’s “All Natural Edition,” John Edwards is a lovely family man who has zero narcissistic bents, and the temperature in hell has just dropped below freezing.
Don’t worry, conservative Christian: I haven’t T. D. Jaked into the Obama corner. I’m just jacking with ya.
Having said that, there is a part of me that would love to endorse Barack and Biden. It’s the stupid part. It’s the same part that I listened to when I bought Ronco’s at home hair cut kit, said “yes, I’ll go to a Celine Dion concert,” and it is also the component that conned me into believing, once upon a time, that women love it when men cry.
Seriously though, I did get a Chris Matthews chill down my spine as I watched the Democratic National Convention. I couldn’t believe it. I shouted out loud, “Holy Spirit, is that you confirming to my soul that Obama is The One?”
It had to be a divine witness from God, I thought, because I was chilled to my core. I looked at my arms . . . goosebumps! I then looked down at my legs to see if they too were experiencing horripilation and suddenly realized that it wasn’t the witness of the Spirit stimulating my flesh but the cold beer I had spilled on my crotch.
So much for the Obama based afflatus.
I will give the Obama camp this: They do know how to hit us emotionally, don’t they? From Michelle’s sea foam dress and her new skinny Oprah persona makeover, to their darling girls being Kathy Lee’d out on stage, to Biden showcasing his grandkids and his cool old mama, I was getting—Lord forgive me—all verklempt! The only thing that Hallmark convention lacked was puppies, bunny rabbits and dancing candy canes running across the stage in a stadium filled with laughing gas.
What kept me from completely diving down the funnel and blowing off my conservative roots are these few ditties that Barack proposes for the future and also what he has done in the past, stuff like . . .
• Double the capital gain tax on stock and real estate sales
• Increase FICA taxes by 14 points on all income over $100,000
• Double taxes on dividends
• Expand the inheritance tax
• Weaken the PATRIOT Act
• Curb anti-terror wire tapping
• Extend health insurance benefits to illegal immigrants
• Give children of illegal immigrants in-state tuition at state universities
• Weaken education standards
• Enlarge health insurance so drastically that it forces us to ration medical care, particularly to granny
• Expand the welfare state, dividing America between makers and takers. Y’know, enacting some “economic justice.” I think his plan is something like, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” Where have I heard that before?
• Enact a Global Poverty Act, which means you and I picking up the tab for Barack’s ba-roke brother in Africa. Yep, as I type he’s working on having us pay new “world” taxes (S.2433).
• “Voluntary Public Service” for young people. Or, as IBD likes to call B-HO’s proposal, national involuntary servitude.
• Downplaying of the terror threat. Terror threat, what terror threat? You see a terror threat? Not B-HO.
• A liberal out the wazoo anti-2nd Amendment voting record
• Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy
• Parents not being notified when their 13-year-old girl goes in for an abortion.
• Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion. I don’t think the abortion issue means squat to some “evangelicals” anymore. Especially the “hip and groovy” dorks. Abortion to these twaddlers is so yesterday and so contentious that if they take a strong stand for life they might not be viewed as “cool” and “open” any longer, and they can’t have that. They and their cute Jesus live for public approval.
• Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby and voting against the defense of traditional marriage.
• The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation.
• The advancement of all “hate crimes” legislation, which ultimately could be used to silence pastors who believe—according to their own convictions—that homosexual behavior is . . . uh . . . wrong . . . and preach the same from biblical texts.
• The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation's inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there.
• Former 20 year track record of going to a church that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system,” all via a pastor who has hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan.
• And last, but not least, his past (and close) associations with radical Marxists such as mentor Frank Marshall Davis, Gerald Kellman (a disciple of Saul “The Red” Alinsky), and terrorist Bill Ayers
I believe aside from all the above, Barack is like OMG totally awesome, as one bearded woman put it at the DNC. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to blow off the aforementioned facts amidst all the orchestrated love, children, confetti, firecrackers, gaudy-a$$ stage sets, over unctuous liberals spewing specious talking points, weepy testimonies, O’Biden’s hair plugs, MO’s pastel dresses and Sheryl Crow’s crooning. Oh well, at least I got to see some of the most amazing propagandists in US history, and that, my friends, truly gave me the chills.