Secret Report Released: Clinton Foundation to Become Cabinet Department

Bruce Bialosky
|
Posted: Sep 25, 2016 12:01 AM
Secret Report Released: Clinton Foundation to Become Cabinet Department

Editor's Note: This piece is satire.

In a breaking story, Julian Assange released secret emails that disclose if Hillary Clinton becomes president, she plans to propose that the Clinton Foundation become the 16th cabinet department of the U.S. government.  

The report details how the Clintons will propose that the work of the Clinton Foundation has become vital to the nation and that the services it provides are not being done by other cabinet departments.  

Reaction was swift from the Clinton campaign.  Brian Fallon, the press secretary for the campaign, stated “We cannot believe that the Russians tied to the Trump campaign has once again attempted to affect the American presidential election.  Isn’t it clear Trump is having a bromance with Putin? We wanted to save this announcement for after the elections.  We believe Americans will love this idea.”  He went on to attack Trump for not grasping the full benefit of this “lofty idea because of his racist attitudes.”

Mrs. Clinton was asked about the proposal at a campaign event in Saginaw, Michigan.  As Peter Yarrow led the crowd in singing If I Had a Hammer, Clinton took a rare question from a reporter.   She told the press “We have not totally flushed out the idea yet, but Bill has done so much for so many people. Americans and people all over the world will be thrilled he is back working on their behalf as part of my administration.”  

This reporter caught up with former President Clinton for a comment about the plan.  He told me “Well sure that makes sense to me.  We have saved millions of lives all over the world. And Hillary will have Air Force One, but what will I have to fly around in since we never are together, if you know what I mean.”

When hearing of that comment by former President Clinton, Frank Giustra tweeted out “I don’t know what Bill is talking about.  I have always told Bill I would provide him a plane anytime he needs it.  He did so much for me on the Uranium One deal and I cannot have him flying around with the common folk.” Giustra was the person who made immense sums on various deals he worked with Bill Clinton for the Clinton Foundation and foreign leaders.  

The documents released by Assange also disclosed the plan that Clinton intends to nominate Huma Abedin as Secretary of State.  When asked about this Mrs. Clinton refused to answer the question about the planned appointment.  She said “We are not talking about potential cabinet appointments at this time.  We are just working every day to win this election for the American people.  But I cannot think of anyone more qualified than Huma and she was there at my side while I was Secretary of State. She will do a wonderful job wherever she is in my administration.”

Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO), was asked whether she felt the nomination of Abedin would be realistic.  McCaskill told the Daily Beast “Abedin would be an excellent choice as Secretary of State.  She was right by Hillary’s side the entire time at State.  And anyone who can endure six years of marriage with Anthony Weiner has the strength to represent America to the world.”  The Daily Beast reporter wrote “That is really great because I think Huma is amazing.”  

McCaskill also stated “I love the idea of the Clinton Foundation being a cabinet department.  We could do so much more for the people around the world especially if Bill is the secretary.”

Ben Cardin (D-MD) ranking member of the foreign relations committee weighed in on Instagram showing a picture of him with former President Clinton in Uzbekistan with now deceased President Islam Karimov. Caption said “See the good the Foundation is doing, we got rid of this guy.”

Twitter went crazy once the release of the documents occurred.  There was discussion on both sides about the merits of the plan.  Republicans taking a position of this being a typical Clinton maneuver and Democrats praising the boldness of the move by a candidate not known for her risky positions.

A leading Republican in Congress who did not want to go on record said “We will have to look at the proposal if Clinton is elected.  Until then it makes no sense to make any comments.”