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Hillary Searches For a Heart

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
Hillary Clinton has now decided to re-relaunch her flailing campaign. She'll do so by showing "more humor and heart," according to The New York Times. In other news, the Wizard gave Joe Biden a brain and Bernie Sanders courage. The Wizard also apparently gave Biden and Sanders better poll numbers: In the latest Monmouth poll, Clinton still leads at 42 percent, but Biden picks up 22 percent and Sanders 20 percent.

That's trouble in Clintonia.

Clinton's new new new campaign will feature her dazzling wit and oozing charm, say her handlers. She'll be heading to "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," where Ellen will undoubtedly dance awkwardly with the former secretary of state -- the most awkward dance since Clinton had to fake loving her husband for the cameras during the Lewinsky scandal. She'll also join Jimmy Fallon for "The Tonight Show," and "plans to talk extensively with several nontraditional outlets." Presumably, she'll head to GloZell's bathtub for a round of Froot Loops and foreign affairs.

It won't work. Clinton is like "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace": overproduced, heartless and starring a lead incapable of drawing sympathy. Some of her fans believe that if she trots out former President Bill Clinton, that will save the day; the Times reports that "Bill Clinton, who has had virtually no presence on the campaign trail, will begin to travel the country to help with fund-raising this fall." It won't help -- Bill's spontaneity and glee undermine her in the same way that actual hardwood shames Pergo when the two are placed side by side.


Clinton does have a backup strategy: If Clinton can't overcome her status as the Tin Man, she can always go full witch.

Which is the plan, according to her campaign spokeswoman, Jennifer Palmieri: "The true game changer is when there's a personified opponent." She's hoping for a Republican opponent to emerge so she can pounce. Clinton is far more comfortable smothering her opponents with a pillow than cuddling with babies on the campaign trail. That's why Clinton has now placed heavy focus in her campaign speeches on attacking Donald Trump and the other Republicans: She's struggling to connect with Americans other than in opposition to those on the other side.

But what happens if she's unable to smear the person on the other side? What happens if she has to make an affirmative case for her own candidacy?

Clinton will be faced with that challenge if put up against an authentic, famous political cipher like Donald Trump, who now outpolls her nationally. Trump may be the perfect candidate to take down Clinton in a general election, in fact: He's not as susceptible to personal attacks, since everyone knows and has an opinion about Trump already; he's hard to peg down on policy, and actually agrees with Clinton on matters ranging from taxes to affirmative action; most of all, he seems like an unproduced person, rather than a remarkably lifelike robot capable of occasional homo sapiens-like jargon.


Over time, Clinton will likely grow more desperate -- and thus, more unattractive. She's billing herself as Chillary Clinton in an attempt to seem like Cool Grandma to the under-30 crowd, but like an old PC, she glitches and freezes up regularly. Eventually, she'll run out of re-re-relaunches. The only question is whether the Democratic National Committee can wheel her to victory before other candidates catch up with her.

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