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The Charmless Hillary Juggernaut

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Hillary Clinton is not a pleasant human being, by all available evidence. She does not convince; she browbeats. She does not discuss; she lectures. Her laugh issues mechanically from her mouth, resonating with a close-but-not-quite verisimilitude that occupies the space known as the uncanny valley. If anyone were to kidnap Hillary Clinton and replace her with a robot of Hillary Clinton, it would take a short circuit for America to realize it. Her campaign slogan should be: "Remarkably Lifelike!"


All of which makes her undeclared candidacy so much more awkward than that of others. Nobody quite knows why Hillary is running, other than that she feels she is owed the presidency based on her rough life growing up rich in Chicago, attending Wellesley and Yale Law before settling down as first lady of Arkansas and then first lady of the United States and then senator and secretary of state. Even Hillary doesn't seem to know. The runup to her campaign has been a prolonged shrug.

Which is why she is now trotting out the children.

First, Hillary's Stand With Hillary super PAC attempted to manufacture a grassroots feel for Hillary's campaign, issuing a faux country song titled "Stand With Hillary," and bearing these incredible lyrics: "Now it's 2016, and this time I'm a thinkin' guys, put your boots on and let's smash this ceiling." The song adds, "I've been thinking about one great lady, like the women in my life. She's a mother, a daughter, and through it all, she's a loving wife." A loving wife might be a bit of a stretch. But then again, so is a country song with men crushing the glass ceiling on behalf of an Ivy League elitist.


That song, naturally, flopped.

And the Hillary machine sprang back into action. A second pro-Hillary super PAC titled released an ad produced by Luke Montgomery, the same filmmaker who created a video featuring young girls dropping the f-bomb regarding supposed pay inequality. This ad features young girls wearing flag spandex and running down the street, urging Hillary to run (get it? Get it? GET IT?).

These girls then speak into camera and tick off five supposed reasons why people should vote for Hillary: to inspire young girls to overcome serious challenges like growing up female in the most female-friendly society in human history; to fight for pay equality by electing a woman who pays her female staffers significantly less than male staffers ("in the USA, having a vajayjay shouldn't mean less pay!" shouts one overproduced, irritating tot); to preserve abortion, which prepubescent girls desperately need; to show the world that female equality is a value, which we will presumably show by electing a woman who takes money from the world's most anti-female regimes; and finally, Bill Clinton will be first lady and "rock the dress."


The ad concludes with a man wearing a Bill Clinton mask, red heels, and a red dress. This, presumably, marks the first time that Bill Clinton has been in a dress that is his own.

If this feels strained, that's because it is. It is condescending, ridiculous, and -- naturally -- childish. But the charmless juggernaut rolls on, driven by puerile worship, empty bromides and a heaping helping of entitlement.

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