Mike Adams

Dear President Obama:

I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request. Actually, it is a series of requests. First and foremost, I will be asking that you return America to its August 20th, 1959 borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen. I make this request because I don’t like your policies and I don’t like you. If I sound like I’m asking for too much just be patient. I’m only getting started.

I am also asking that you sell the State of Washington to the Canadians. I’ve only been to Washington twice – once to Seattle and once to Spokane. The former was full of liberals and the latter was full of the most aggressive panhandlers I’ve ever seen. It rained on both of my trips to Washington and I really have no use for rainy places.

Probably the main reason I want you to sell Washington to the Canadians is that I want you to do the same with Oregon. I am hoping we can blaze a new Oregon Trail all the way up to Canada because, let’s face it, the state is full of socialists who need good health care. And, speaking of blazing, we need to get rid of all those pot smokers, too. They sure do burn a lot of weed for people who think they are environmentalists.

California is a no-brainer. We can significantly cut the national debt by getting rid of the Golden State. Plus, we could get rid of Nancy Pelosi and, more importantly, all the fruitcakes who elected her. I think we should just give California to Mexico. It’s only worth a few pesos and the Mexicans almost control it already. (Oh, wait, I meant to say Mexican-Americans!).

Maine needs to go, too. Even their Republicans act like Democrats. They don’t even have any professional sports teams. We should sell them to Canada as soon as possible.

New Hampshire has to be sold to Canada, too. I’m tired of these guys choosing our presidents. Plus, New Hampshire is full of Democrats who own guns. That kind of scares me. They might hurt themselves so I say we should make them a part of a nation that has excellent health care.

Of course, we need to make Vermont a part of Canada, too. Do you really need to ask why? Two words: Howard Dean.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.