What a glorious day in the UNC system! I have just received news that my university has established a new set of offices dedicated to advancing the agenda of the Republican National Committee. The new offices will be using taxpayer funds collected right here in North Carolina. Let me explain.
Last week, the Republican Party took over both houses of the North Carolina General Assembly for the first time since 1898. The state GOP immediately began to think of ways it could use the sixteen-campus UNC system to advance the agenda of the national party at state taxpayer expense. All of this is illegal, of course, but it never stopped the Democrats when they were in power.
While trying to think of discreet ways to funnel money towards the support of pending Congressional legislation I received the following email, which I immediately forwarded to state GOP officials:
“Please join the LGBTQIA Resource Office in a Veteran’s Day Celebration.Since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was codified into law in 1993, more than 14,000 lgbt service members have been discharged. Additionally, according to a 2010 report by the Williams Institute, there are approximately 66,000 lesbian and gay individuals serving in the U.S. military.
On November 11, let’s all take time out of our schedules to honor those who have served bravely for our rights, but have been denied their rights.Come hear the courageous stories of former service members and learn about the harms of the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, as well as what we can do to overturn the policy.
If you have any questions, please contact Amy Schlag at email@example.com, or 962-2114.”
What a fabulous idea! “Let’s all take time out of our schedules” means taking a break from teaching and doing the things we were actually hired to do as professors. For what purpose would we leave those duties behind? To determine “what we can do to overturn” the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and, instead, get pending Democratic legislation passed, which would advance the agenda of the DNC/LGBTQIA lobby in Washington! So many letters, so little time!Well, the memo from the Alphabet Soup of Victimhood Office has backfired. Now that we’re in control of the state budget that office is going to be shut down. And my friends in the GOP plan to use the money to establish a number of GOP slush funds (but we’ll call them “Resource Offices” or “Resource Centers” depending on their importance).
With these new outfits, we plan to advance our agenda and, therefore, reverse decades of political oppression. A partial list of our New RNC Resource Centers and Offices follows: