Matt Towery

Ok, folks, don't get mad. This little piece is purely to attempt a bit of comic relief from the strife that has been the race for the GOP nomination for president. The media have tried every way in the world to suggest that the fight for the Republican nomination has "crippled" the Republican chances of defeating Barack Obama. Having been around through many a presidential contest, I know that is not the case. But before this road show ends, let's have a little lighthearted fun with it.

Meet "Moe" Romney, "Larry" Santorum and "Curly" Gingrich. They are stuck in another one of their endless debates.

Moe Romney starts the fight with a comment about Larry Santorum's position on contraception. "So, you want to be a wise guy," he says, "trying to get that evangelical vote while irritating the independent females."

Larry Santorum responds, "Well, that's really not my position, but since you blabbed it all over the television, I guess I'm stuck with it."

"I'll show you a position," Moe exclaims, quickly jabbing his finger in Larry's eye.

"That hurt," Larry cries out.

"Yea, if you think that hurt, wait 'til my super pack of friends show up and give you what you deserve."

Curly Gingrich, observing the confrontation, can take it no more. He slaps himself in the face six times, running in place, and appears ready to deck Moe.

"What are you doing, numbskull?" Moe asks.

"Just fundamentally opposed to your tactics in a grandiose way," Curly Gingrich responds.

"Oh, you want grandiose, do ya?" Moe replies. "How 'bout I hit you so hard I send you to the moon?"

Curly stares up into the sky and says, "Hey, that's a pretty good idea ... Curly Gingrich, Moon President." Moe Romney responds, "Aim a little lower, you moron," as he kicks Curly's rear end.

Larry is back in the conversation. "Hey, Moe, what's it like to be a Massachusetts liberal who Obama modeled his mandatory health care after?"

Moe bites back, "I don't know, show me your secret union card, and I'll tell ya."

"He ain't in no union," Curly declares.

"Yeah, he is," Moe responds. "He's united in seeing that my establishment boys don't take control of the Republican Party. ... Take that," as he blindsides Curly, twisting his nose and kicking his leg.

Curly, rubbing his face, threatens Moe, "If you don't back off, I'm gonna call Sheldon out in Nevada and have him give you the once over."

Moe retorts: "Tell that casino guy that I said he pulled the wrong card in this game. He got stuck with the Joker."

"Who are you calling a joker?" Larry asks.

"I wasn't talking to you, crazy eyes," says Moe. "I never talk to or about you. I let my pack of friends do that."


Matt Towery

Matt Towery is a former National Republican legislator of the year and author of Powerchicks: How Women Will Dominate America.
 
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