We're All Victims Now

Lincoln Brown
|
Posted: Sep 29, 2011 12:01 AM

Everyone is a victim. No seriously everyone is a victim. Don’t grind your teeth, work with me here. This is a plan for victory.

Let’s start with the asthmatics: People who use OTC inhalers to cope with asthma have until the last day of the year to switch to prescription inhalers as per an Obama Administration mandate. The reason: the propellant in the OTC inhalers contributes to the depletion of the ozone layer.

Someone might want to clue the administration in to the fact that people that need inhalers don’t use the substance contained therein as a room freshener. They inhale it. Hence the name. And to that end, if these little lung grenades are doing such an effective job of punching holes in the ozone, shouldn’t asthmatics across the nation keeled over years ago from the corrosive properties of all the medicine they have been sucking in? All of those respiratory-challenged folks: Because of the Left, they are all victims now.

How about the working stiffs out there? The Joe Six-Pack Lunch Pail Time Clock Punching Union folks? It’s going to be hard to unionize something that no longer exists. In case the folks out there in the rank and file haven’t heard, all of those evil business owners who you want to bring to heel and squeeze for more taxes are on strike. They aren’t hiring, they aren’t buying equipment, they aren’t creating jobs. The president has them too scared to make a move. Consider the case of Ronnie Bryant who was going to open a coal mine in Alabama. Yes he would have made a profit. But he also would have provided jobs ranging from 50,000 to 150,000 dollars a year in a community. That is until the forces of the administration’s anti-business and environmental shock troops went to work on him. Ronnie Bryant gave up.

So the regular guys out there looking to make their mortgage and credit card payments may soon find themselves without jobs because there are fewer employers. So, because of the Left, the working class folks are all victims now. 

And the techies out there? The bloggers, the posters, the Smart -Phoners, I-Padders, and  Facebookers? They like those toys, and hell, who wouldn’t? But alas, the clock is ticking for the digital generation as well. Funny thing about those gizmos upon which our existence depends. You need rare earth metals to make them work. However rare earth metals are exceedingly well, rare in the United States which means we buy them in large part from China. There was a brief ray of sunlight when a strain of rare earth metals was discovered in Alaska. On state land that has been set aside for drilling. But once again, the environmentalists descended on the scene, doing all they can do derail mining there.

The irony is that those metals are also pretty darn useful for things like wind turbines and electric cars. So for everyone hoping to pay a fair price for the latest version of whatever electronics they were planning to plug into their heads, sorry. Thanks to the Left, they too will all be victims now.  

For all of those people who pitched a cardboard tent on Wall Street while celebrities cruised by and honked to them about how proud they were; for all of those who are laboring for the New New Deal and are in for a surprise when then money and the food runs out and realize they don‘t get a house in the suburbs and Porsche; for all of those folks fighting climate change and are making their leaders richer while they themselves still aren’t any closer to that time share in Vail; for all of those who are working for The Man and just don’t know it, pretty soon they’ll all be victims now.

So that’s my One-Point-Plan for a Conservative Victory in 2012. Just affirm the fact that indeed, we are a nation of victims. We just didn’t know who was doing the victimizing. Convince the nation of that, and it’s a shoe-in next November.

I could go on for pages, but my editor only lets me have 800 words. Which I suppose makes me a victim, now. (Thanks John)

Editor's note: You're welcome. Now go back to work.