2016 Is the Year of the Hack

Welcome to 2016, America’s stupidest year, and if there's one word that sums it all up, one word that perfectly encapsulates the misery and disgrace of this terrible twelve months, it's the word “hack.” The year 2016 is all about hacks in every sense of the word. Hack hack hackitty-hack hacks, as far as the eyes can see.

There's Hillary's pathetic hacking, those constant pulmonary spasms and coughing fits that clearly demonstrate what we all know. She's old. She’s sick. She's tired, and she's unfit for the highest office in the land. Look at her onstage, coughing and wheezing for four minute stretches as she tries to spit out her poisonous clichés to an audience of slack-jawed idiots in SEIU t-shirts. If she were human, I’d feel sorry for her.

Won’t someone please get this sick old woman to a doctor? She needs help. She looks like a zombie without the hotness. Her eyes have more bags than Louis Vuitton, and she drapes her sagging, collapsing body in muumuus and form-fitting tentage designed to hide her puffy, misshapen mass. She needs assistance up the stairs and into her SUV. Weird handlers lurk around her, ready with the epi-pens her cronies make and that now only someone as rich as she is can afford. Every so often, she just stops talking, staring out into the audience, her empty eyes saying “What am I doing here?” before her handlers rush to surround her and she starts gacking up another lung.

I'd be worried about her absentmindedly pressing the button if it wasn't so obvious she doesn't have the strength to push it. At least with Trump, it’d be a conscious choice.

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And then there are the hacks who half-heartedly hunt hackers, the FBI. I’m old enough to recall the days that acronym didn’t stand for “Former Bureau of Integrity.” Think of the shame that the loyal, honest career agents trapped in that miserable clusterfark of an organization feel, knowing that today, when they flash their credentials, we don’t think “America’s best – I’m proud to help!” but instead think, “Oh, I wonder what Democrat’s mess these janitors are cleaning up?”

Somewhere, up there, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., is projectile vomiting all over his well-fitting, sensible suit.

And the biggest hacks of all are in our mainstream media, dancing like little hat-wearing monkeys as the Democrats grind their organs – sometimes more literally than figuratively, as in the cases of Mr. Hillary and Mr. Huma. They tag along after Sick Hillary like little puppies, obligingly turning off the cameras when she starts one of her coughing fits. Hacks gonna hide the hacking.

Have you seen that photo of the eager media serfs gathered on Hillary’s plane, eagerly awaiting her to come out and speak at them, their mouths open, little drops of slobber collecting at the corners of their snouts? “Oh boy, here comes our mistress. I hope she’ll pet our heads and give us a Milkbone!” Wag wag wag.

You hacks. You’re less Woodward and Bernstein then Abbot and Costello, but that’s an insult to Abbot and Costello. At least they maintained their integrity. Who's on first? Not you in those polls of the most respected institutions in America. You're right down there at the bottom, along with Congress and gonorrhea.

You've done everything you can do to throw objectivity out the window and go all in for Hillary. Here's how much you suck: you make me almost actually want to vote for Trump.

So 2016 will go down in history as one of America's most awful years, a year remembered for Hillary's hacking cough, for the Russians’ hacking successes, and for the self-inflicted humiliation of the hacks in America’s once-proud institutions. Pray that 2017 is better, because if it's like 2016, America may not be able to hack it.