If it wasn't for those darn Tea Partiers, we’d already be in Obamatopia with unicorn-powered cars and an economy driven to new heights by unity, hope, and most importantly, THE POWER OF LOVE. Why, oh why, do those Tea Partiers want to ruin all that? Why can't they be more agreeable and civilized -- like Meghan McCain or David Frum?
Worse yet, their numbers seem to be growing. According to Gallup, there are now as many people who consider themselves to be Tea Partiers as there are people who consider themselves to be liberals. Obviously there can be only one reason for that: the incredible, pro-conservative bias of the American press. Well, never fear, friends -- for today you will read the truth spoken to power! Feel free to pat me on the back for my stunning courage at any time.
1) The Tea Partiers Lost America's AAA Credit Rating. Sure, the Tea Partiers may have supported the Ryan Plan and Cut, Cap, and Balance, both of which would have preserved America’s AAA credit rating, but what we’ve just experienced is a “Tea Party downgrade.” How does that work? Well, just as Paul Revere caused the British to attack America and Mothers Against Drunk Driving causes people to drive drunk, the Tea Partiers caused America's credit downgrade with their incessant demands that we cut spending to avert a credit downgrade…or something. It’s a little foggy.
2) The Tea Partiers Are Extremely Radical. Have you heard these radical yahoos going on about what they want to do? They actually want to stick to the Constitution and balance the budget! What kind of crazy talk is that? Need I remind you that the last time we had people talking like that in this country, they clung to their guns and religion, too. Next thing you know, they actually overthrew the government over taxes. Are those really the type of people we want to emulate in this country?