On October 30, we passed the 85th anniversary of the War of the World radio broadcast by Orson Welles that scared many people, mostly in New Jersey (who probably deserved it, frankly, based on how they vote). It was probably the greatest example of mass hysteria and group gullibility to that time, if not ever. But Democrats today are taking a shot at that record with their fundraising attempts. This week’s entry is a twofer: a very important first email, then a critical follow-up, just in case I missed the first one. Both are a joke, though not intentionally, about how my thoughts will shape what they do going forward – they need my opinion ASAP.
The first email came from James Carville – not sure why the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee thinks he’s still a name, but maybe they’re just desperate – with the subject line, “I need your opinion ASAP, Derek.”
Well, far be it from me to upset Skeletor, so I opened it. It starts, “Hey Derek, it's James Carville, and I’m gonna level with you: This might be the most important email I’ve sent you in a while. See, in my decades working in politics, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an election with more at stake than this one. That's why I'm holding strategy interviews with the very best, most engaged Democrats, and I've selected you to represent Maryland -- but time’s running out before the interview closes, and I don't see your response! So please click here to start and take the survey.”
I’d pay good money to hear a politician or one of their hacks say, “Meh, this election doesn’t really matter at all, so we’re just going through the motions” just once. But I do appreciate how Carville is “gonna level with” me. When a political hack tells you that, encase your wallet in concrete.
After learning that I’m among “the very best, most engaged Democrats” in Carville’s contact list, I read on.
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“I’ll be honest, Derek,” Jimmy continued, “If we lose the Senate, Mitch McConnell and his flat-out wacko candidates will grind all President Biden's progress to a halt -- and that’ll just be the beginning! Republicans are out there taking away a woman’s right to choose, restricting the right to vote, and flat-out denying climate change. And unless Democrats get fired the hell up, those same crazy Republicans are gonna control the Senate pretty soon. That's where you come in. I need to hear from real voters like you -- not more political insiders -- so I can help our best and brightest defend the Senate. I selected you specifically, so please, will you join my interview by completing a quick survey?”
Shouldn’t the guy making a fortune to run campaigns have the insights and instincts to do so without betting random strangers for their thoughts? That would be true if this were an actual call for help, but it’s just a con for money. So I didn’t click the link.
The next day, DSCC Executive Director – someone named “Christie” with no last name, like Madonna, like anyone is supposed to know who she is or maybe she’s not even real – sent a reply to Carville’s. “Hi, Derek -- It’s Christie, the Executive Director here at the DSCC. I wanted to ensure you saw that James Carville reached out yesterday and requested your input for an exclusive strategy interview. The battle for the Senate is really heating up, Derek, and we need to stay on top of public opinion if we're going to win. But James is still waiting for your answer -- and his urgent interview closes at midnight. James still needs at least 18 more responses from Democrats in Maryland before locking in any results, so please, will you take 3 minutes and help us WIN?”
My God, I had no idea my not clicking that link jeopardized the whole project. Now I feel bad. As if to accent that point, my new pal “Christie” ended her emails with, “**NOTE: Please do not share this link with anyone, as it may corrupt our data** Thank you for being a part of this team.”
I just had to click on it now. But I didn’t. I waited until the next day, AFTER their super-important midnight deadline, just to see if the link would still work. Shockingly, it did.
Actually, I did click on the link the day before, too, just for fun, and entered “I (expletive deleted) hate you all” as the “other” answer for what issues I, as a super-Democrat and most concerned with next year. It didn’t matter; that answer took me to the next “question,” which I left blank – theoretically corrupting their data, and repeated it for each of the four stupid questions they had.
Then I wondered what kind of moron would need 3 minutes to complete four multiple-choice questions? Then I remembered we’re dealing with Democrats here, and it all made sense.
I corrupted their “data” because it’s not about data at all; it’s about making stupid people think their voice matters, that their input influences their party, a party that cares what they think. The last screen is the donation screen, which only gives you options to give them money to submit your “crucial data.” The only way out is to give or close the window, denying them your very important input.
It's sick, really, when you think about it. These emails and tactics are designed to squeeze money from dumb people who know no better. Yet there they are, ready to take it to the bank (and their bank accounts – they get a percentage of the action) because they have no morals.
If you still want my opinion ASAP, Democrats, it’s that you’re scum and should be ashamed of yourselves.
(If you want to see the “survey” that was supposed to end at midnight on Saturday but is still working, click here. And remember, it’s important…or something.)
