"Sweetheart," the husband pleads, "don't do it! Don't shoot yourself!"
"Shut up, Johnny!" she cries. "You're next!"
That blonde now runs the Republican Party. Hence, the GOPs dedication to their latest "it's-his-turn" candidate, Mitt Romney.
Let's examine for a moment just why Mitt Romney will likely win the Republican nomination. It isn't because he's conservative -- he's not. It isn't because he's supremely electable -- he's not. It's not because he's charming or charismatic or dazzlingly likeable -- he's not.
The Republican Party is about to nominate Mitt Romney because it is a party in crisis. Instead of focusing on the cheating husband -- Barack Obama -- Republicans are idiotically focusing on their internal differences. Unlike the Democratic Party, which is largely united around certain key issues -- gay marriage, comprehensive sex education, abortion, higher taxes, more spending -- the Republican Party is all over the place. The Republican Party includes high-tax deficit hawks, and it includes low-tax supply-siders. It includes high-spending compassionate conservatives, and it includes low-spending small government types. It includes pro-gay marriage libertarians and pro-traditional marriage religious voters. It includes hard-line, anti-immigration believers and open-borders free marketers. It includes Ron Paul isolationists, George W. Bush Wilsonians and everything in between.
These conflicts have defined the Republican Party since the end of Reagan's tenure. Each and every Republican presidential candidate since Reagan has attempted to paper over these differences. The result is that the Republican Party nominees have been remarkably similar in their political viewpoints: social conservatives who are for lower taxes, higher spending and a generally non-interventionist foreign policy (though that was changed by 9/11). George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, George W. Bush and John McCain were aligned ideologically. Call them the Paper Republicans.