"Plug the damn hole." So spake The Great Obama from high atop Mount Olympus, looking down upon the mere mortals struggling below. Those pitiful human beings were covered in oil, their bodies slick with it; they were weeping as they looked over the vast panoramic sea, which shone grimily in great rainbow smears, dead animals floating on the surface. The executives of British Petroleum sat on the beaches, heads in their hands, gazing gloomily at the hazy horizon.
And then, they heard the Great Obama's words from on high. "Why didn't I think of that?" asked BP CEO Tony Hayward. "What a magnificent idea!" shouted Doug Suttles, BP's chief operating officer. And together, they built an enormous cork and placed it in the hole in the ocean floor (along with Jack Shephard from "LOST"), and thus was ended the saga of the BP oil spill.
Thereupon, The Great Obama laughed and giggled and clapped his hands in mirth, and turned his attention to the problem of America's southern border. He sneered in scorn as he saw the pathetic, dirty, discriminatory Arizonans gnashing their teeth over illegal immigration. Then he stood before Mexico's President Felipe Calderon, and sonorously stated, "In the 21st century, we are defined not by our borders, but by our bonds."
And all illegal immigrants immediately turned around and went home, impressed with The Great Obama's clear thinking and inspirational vision. The Arizonans realized the error of their ways and gave thanks to The Great Obama for finding an easy solution to the devilish problem.
Upon seeing such repentance, The Great Obama smiled his benevolent smile and swung his upturned chin toward Israel. He shook his head in anger at the uppity Jews who would dare to suggest that The Great Obama could not solve the Iranian nuclear problem and the Arab-Israel conflict with a flap of his grandiloquent tongue. And The Great Obama snorted as those same uppity Jews suggested that they needed nuclear weapons to protect themselves from the Muslim nations surrounding them. "Whether we're talking about Israel or any other country," he grandly intoned, "we think that becoming part of the [Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty] is important."
And The Great Obama's generousness of spirit converted the Iranian government to a spirit of peacefulness, cooperation and philo-Semitism. And the Chosen People smote themselves on their foreheads and understood that The Great Obama was correct, and that all they had to do was concede to Muslim terrorists. Because after all, The Great Obama's words had the power of deeds.
Forget A Federal Marriage Amendment and Go For Religious Freedom Acts In All 50 States | John Hawkins