The long-awaited presidential debate between former President Donald Trump and current President Joe Biden will take place tonight at 9 p.m. EST. Biden and Trump will duke it out at the first face-off in Atlanta, Georgia, a 90-minute rematch nearly four years in the making.
Biden, who has the mental acuity of a sea sponge, will likely waver between mumbling incoherently and whispering sweet nothings into the muted microphones. Occasionally, he'll shout (unprompted and at inappropriate times) something about democracy being endangered, yada yada. Keep in mind, this is all playing out past Sleepy Joe's bedtime, and Trump will remind us how Biden looks more like the subject of a Silver Alert than a sitting U.S. president.
On the docket are several hot-button issues, including the horrific slaying of 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray in Houston. The little girl was lured under a bridge, bound, stripped naked, sexually assaulted, and allegedly strangled to death by two illegal aliens from Venezuela. Trump might mention Nungaray's murder to segue into Biden's border crisis. The Biden administration's refusal to secure the southern border has consequently ushered in a crime wave across America committed by violent thugs living illegally in the U.S.
"C'mon man!" Biden will exclaim, claiming that's a "bunch of malarkey." Instead, he'll harp on Trump's "hush money" conviction in deep-blue New York. His go-to line of attack will likely be calling Trump a "convicted felon," though his crackhead son, Hunter, is one, too. At least Trump wasn't getting overly cozy with his deceased brother's widow (and introducing her to crack cocaine) or caught lying on a federal firearms form while doing drugs. Apparently, Hunter Biden, an attorney and the "smartest man" his father knows, didn't understand the law despite his Ivy League education.
Among other forecasts for the night, CNN will pounce to fact-check Trump, and Fake Tapper will salivate over the opportunity.
The questions about abortion will likely be phrased like a feminist professor's final exam. "Why would you deprive women of the right to productive health care?" we could see an insufferable Dana Bash asking Trump. And by that, she means, "Why would you prevent the killing of unborn babies?" On the issue of trans-anity and other LGBTQ nonsense, the moderators will wonder why Trump doesn't endorse the medical butchery of minors, but it will be phrased as, "Why don't you support gender-affirming care for children?"
The only thing Biden might be pressed on is if he will, as previously plotted under his student debt reallocation scheme, force working-class Americans to pay for the doctorates of women's studies majors and graduates of lesbian dance theory.
Here's what's on our BINGO card for Thursday night's throwdown. Bonus points if Biden has another "accident", shakes hands with an imaginary person, wanders off stage looking lost and presumably forgetting where he is, falls flat on his face, or brain farts so badly he mutters made-up words. Automatic win if Corn Pop is mentioned.
Play along with us at home or at the bar, if necessary. Turn it into a drinking game and ready your shot glasses. Place bets on whenever Biden's drugs wear off. Either way, the eventful evening will certainly be an entertaining affair.
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