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The Gospel According to Don

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Author's Note: although Jesus never specifically condemned it, I think wearing snow boots with your mini skirt after Easter is a sin. But that's just my holistic interpretation of the Scriptures. What's true for this author may not be true for you.


I have an old friend named Don who graduated from college twenty years ago. He has tried every get rich scheme in an effort to retire early and enjoy the good life. Now that he's in his forties and has nothing to show for it, he's decided to take the biggest shortcut in life: he's joined the Democratic Party.

Don started smoking pot every day in college. Unlike most pot smokers he never grew out of it. So he suffered the side effects of pot including laziness and inattention to personal hygiene. These are among the reasons none of his get rich schemes worked. In every business venture, no matter how temporary, one must be on time, responsive, and well kempt. Pot interferes with all of these objectives.

Daily pot use led him to failure, which, in turn, led him to liberalism as a means of rationalizing his personal failure. In 2009, Don came by my office to discuss the TARP bailout. I told him why I opposed the bailout in principal and in accordance with my concerns over its long term economic consequences. Don told me we needed TARP because ultimately the government had to take over the banking industry. He spoke of the evils of greed, insider trading, and crony capitalism. It's the kind of thing I heard every day in academia. So I just changed the subject.

Failure in business can cause someone like Don to jump ship and become an economic liberal. The motivation for that switch is obvious. Desperate people crave handouts. But at some point the former conservative who joins the Democratic Party must make peace with the radical social policies of the Democratic Party. For a while, I’ve wondered how Don would make that transition. Last week, I found out when he decided to show up after four years of silence and bomb my Facebook page. That's why I love Facebook. It's been reuniting me with psycho ex-girlfriends and frenemies for years.


Don the ex-con (that's short for ex conservative) went right to one of my status updates, which criticized the homosexual rights movement. In addition to a few personal insults, he left a comment I am hearing with increasing frequency from the so-called Christian Left. He said "Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. EVER!" And so we are supposed to assume that anything Jesus was not recorded as saying in the Bible is fair game.

First, as a matter of clarification, Jesus did condemn homosexuality. In the first chapter of Romans, homosexuality is very specifically condemned. That book was written by the Apostle Paul. But those weren't his words. He was speaking the word of God. And Jesus is God. So the words belong to Him. Second, and perhaps more importantly, things may not have been mentioned by Jesus because they were obviously wrong, not because they were right. Furthermore, consider the ramifications of assuming that things Jesus never specifically mentions are therefore permissible:

Jesus never mentioned child pornography. Does that mean it is moral and therefore fair game?

Jesus never mentioned female genital mutilation. Does that mean it is moral and therefore fair game?

Jesus never mentioned insider trading. Does that mean it is moral and therefore fair game?

And, finally, Jesus never said anything about smoking pot every day, mooching off your wife, and bombing your friends’ Facebook pages while they are at work trying to earn a living. But decent people know some things just aren't right. In fact, they are downright left.


When Don wakes up, lights another bowl, and logs onto Facebook he's going to realize it was imprudent to pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel. And he'll likely offer another inane liberal rebuttal to my well-reasoned remarks. When he does, I'll be sure to write a follow-up. It's how I earn my living and avoid government handouts.

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