What a glorious day in the UNC system! I have just received news that my university has established a new set of offices dedicated to advancing the agenda of the Republican National Committee. The new offices will be using taxpayer funds collected right here in North Carolina. Let me explain.
Last week, the Republican Party took over both houses of the North Carolina General Assembly for the first time since 1898. The state GOP immediately began to think of ways it could use the sixteen-campus UNC system to advance the agenda of the national party at state taxpayer expense. All of this is illegal, of course, but it never stopped the Democrats when they were in power.
While trying to think of discreet ways to funnel money towards the support of pending Congressional legislation I received the following email, which I immediately forwarded to state GOP officials:
“Please join the LGBTQIA Resource Office in a Veteran’s Day Celebration.Since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was codified into law in 1993, more than 14,000 lgbt service members have been discharged. Additionally, according to a 2010 report by the Williams Institute, there are approximately 66,000 lesbian and gay individuals serving in the U.S. military.
On November 11, let’s all take time out of our schedules to honor those who have served bravely for our rights, but have been denied their rights.Come hear the courageous stories of former service members and learn about the harms of the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, as well as what we can do to overturn the policy.
If you have any questions, please contact Amy Schlag at firstname.lastname@example.org, or 962-2114.”
What a fabulous idea! “Let’s all take time out of our schedules” means taking a break from teaching and doing the things we were actually hired to do as professors. For what purpose would we leave those duties behind? To determine “what we can do to overturn” the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and, instead, get pending Democratic legislation passed, which would advance the agenda of the DNC/LGBTQIA lobby in Washington! So many letters, so little time!Well, the memo from the Alphabet Soup of Victimhood Office has backfired. Now that we’re in control of the state budget that office is going to be shut down. And my friends in the GOP plan to use the money to establish a number of GOP slush funds (but we’ll call them “Resource Offices” or “Resource Centers” depending on their importance).
With these new outfits, we plan to advance our agenda and, therefore, reverse decades of political oppression. A partial list of our New RNC Resource Centers and Offices follows:
The Caucasian Resource Center (CRC). This center will focus on advancing Republican efforts to eliminate affirmative action. Data will be made available, which will show that states eliminating race-based affirmative action (particularly Texas and Washington) have observed two things: 1) Black enrollment usually declines the first year after race-based affirmative action is eliminated, and 2) Black enrollment dramatically rebounds during the second year of race-neutral admissions.
The larger point of the CRC is two-fold: 1) the Democrats are keeping the black man down just as they did during the time of slavery, and 2) the GOP is trying to emancipate blacks from the subtle slavery of low expectations.
The Fetus Resource Center (FRC). The Democrats are supposed to give voice to the powerless. But, for years, they have been waging war on an unarmed enemy. That is about to change. We will now take state funds that were being used to encourage death and use them to encourage life. When a UNCW student gets pregnant and is abandoned by the “man” who impregnated her we will step in and provide for her.
The larger point of the FRC will be to reintroduce the concept of “compassionate conservatism.” Many have asked what that means. We intend to show them and also to lobby indirectly for pro-life legislation.
The Straight Talk Resource Office (STRO). Gay Resource Centers are killing young people. In fact, they are driving them to suicide. A young man who is persuaded to pursue the gay lifestyle will lose, on average, one-fourth of his life expectancy. Therefore, convincing 32 young men to come out of the closet is the same as getting eight of them to commit suicide. Do the math, folks. And, please, don’t get emotional. Let reason be your guide.
We will also use this office to promote our abstinence education agenda. Young women need to hear that entering into a sexual relationship is a lot like putting a bumper sticker on a car. You have a right to peel the sticker off and apply it to another surface. But the more often you try to reapply the bond, the less likely it is to stick.
El Centro de Inglés Solamente (EOC). We will use the English Only Center to promote the idea that the United States is superior to all other nations, particularly Third World nations that are falling prey to the temptations of socialism. Some may think that such an agenda would be offensive to immigrants from the Third World. But if it is not true then what are they doing here? Of course, every program in the new EOC will be presented in English only. How else will we advance the GOP agenda against bi-lingual education?
Our new EOC would be particularly beneficial to students in the Watson School of Education. But the Watson School of Education will soon be eliminated. It’s just another arm of a DNC lobby whose time has come and gone. They had their chance. Now change is on the way.
The movement to have Dr. Adams selected as the new UNC-Wilmington Chancellor is gaining steam. Join the Facebook group “Mike Adams for UNCW Chancellor” now!