Good afternoon, Perez. I’m sorry I haven’t yet taken the time to write you in response to your little flap with Miss California. I’ve been down in South Carolina spending the last few days with a beautiful woman who is opposed to gay marriage. I hope that doesn’t offend you. In Hollywood, that’s called bigotry. In South Carolina, it’s called “normal.”
I’m sorry that I was recently complimented by an older gentleman for simply opening the car door for the aforementioned beautiful woman. I’m sorry because opening a door for a lady should be commonplace. It should not be so rare that it evokes a surprised reaction. I’m sorry if you don’t see how this relates to your flap with Miss California. You will by the end of this column.
I’m sorry to hear that you referred to Miss California by using the p-word, the b-word, and the c-word simply because she holds a view contrary to your own. I’m sorry that in the wake of this controversy you still hold yourself out as the more tolerant party in the dispute.
I’m sorry that you suffer from such severe intellectual hernia that you are oblivious to the fact that Miss Prejean’s view is the majority view in the country and yours is not. I’m sorry that you haven’t decided to change that by simply moving to another country.
I’m sorry that political litmus tests in beauty pageants exist anywhere outside of communist China. I’m sorry that you have not yet fixed that by moving to China.
I am also sorry that when I searched your website I found that you are inclined to use the c-word in reference to other women besides Miss Prejean. I am sorry, for example, that you used the c-word in reference to Jessica Simpson. I’m sorry that you also wrote the phrase “your (p-word) is hanging out” on a picture of Miss Simpson wearing jeans. I am sorry that you posted this picture on the internet.
I am sorry that the feminists have somehow led you to believe that calling a woman the c-word is somehow acceptable or, perhaps, empowering.
I am also sorry that the people who run the Miss America pageant select misogynistic bigots as judges.
I am sorry that one can get away with being a misogynistic bigot in this country by simply sodomizing other men.
I am sorry that I use the term “men” so loosely. I am even sorrier that a man named Mr. Prejean or Mr. Simpson hasn’t already shut you up.
I am sorry that you cannot keep your political opinions out of a beauty contest. I am sorry that gay men are rarely capable of keeping the subject of gay marriage out of any conversation.
I am sorry that, in this country, people are often afraid to talk to gay people because they believe that if they tell others the truth about their views on gay marriage, they will upset other people. I am sorry that gays really do try to get people fired or destroy their careers for opposing gay marriage. I am sorry that many gays cannot see how this reinforces the stereotype that homosexuality is an emotional disorder.
I am sorry that your smug arrogance and profane misogyny are going to cause a minor backlash against gay marriage in America. I am sorry that it will not be a major backlash against gay marriage.
I am sorry that gay men are self-loathing enough to allow other men to treat them as women.
I am sorry, Perez, but I believe that deep down inside you want to be Miss America. I’m sorry that you are a queen without a crown.
I am sorry that somewhere out in California some left-wing lawyer is reading my column. I am sorry that he probably just got an idea for a gender discrimination lawsuit seeking to open the pageant up to gay male contestants.
I am sorry that so much of what gay activists do is geared towards getting straight people to hate them. I am sorry but my religion does not allow me to hate gay men.
I am sorry Perez Hilton but I only have pity for you and for your single-issue existence.