Five Things About Hillary Clinton You Probably Didn’t Know (Safe for Work)

Posted: Mar 31, 2015 12:01 AM

1 – She’s actually a Bond villain. While this specific fact has not yet been verified by independent sources, it is becoming a more widely-accepted belief in wake of recent events. From her private email server to her use of unofficial clandestine spy rings in Libya, Hillary has repeatedly proven that she has a penchant for scheming that would make Ernst Stavro Blofeld blush. As soon as someone tracks down her secret underground lair, I’ll bring you more details.

2 – She is the world’s most gifted commodity trader. In fact, it’s a little stunning this prodigy of Wall Street decided to forego her promising career in the private sector for a life of austerity in public service. Her first commodity trade consisted of 10 cattle future contracts valued at 12,000 dollars. Through what can only be called a miracle, she was able to place such a high dollar trade with only $1,000 in her account. Within 10 short months, she had made roughly $100,000 on the contract.

Of course, critics will point to the fact that James B Blair, outside counsel to Tyson Foods Inc., helped her out a little (and her broker ultimately had to fork over the largest fine in exchanges history) but that’s probably because they’re just jealous of her raw talent at commodity trading. After all, she told the media that she had such luck in the market thanks to her daily reading of the Wall Street Journal.

3 – She’s a self-made woman. It takes an incredibly strong woman to lead her family to financial security after leaving the White House “dead broke”. In fact, I’m looking forward to a movie being made about her arduous escape from the clutches of poverty as she and Bill struggled to pay for their multiple houses while sending Chelsea to an Ivy League school. It is sure to tug at the heart strings.

4 – She has exceptional taste in furniture. While dealing with their financial struggles near the end of her husband’s Presidency, she managed to decorate her home in Chappaqua with stunning historical furnishings. And while it might be true that many of these particular pieces were taken (without permission) from the White House, I think that just goes to illustrate her natural thrift. After all, they were on a pretty tight budget with Bill receiving a public pension just barely larger than four times the median family income.

5 – She is multilingual… True: Speaking in politically opportunistic accents doesn’t technically qualify as speaking any foreign languages, but its close enough for a Clinton. (Besides, she did manage to give the Russian Ambassador a “reset” button that was flawlessly labeled with the incorrect translation.) Technical arguments over the definition of the word “multilingual” (or “is”) aside, she has proven to be an exceptional communicator with foreign officials. How else could she have managed to solicit so many foreign donations from dictators and governments for her private slush fund charity? (Or encourage illicit foreign money laundering to the DNC?)

As you can see, there are plenty of things about Hillary Clinton that simply scream out “Presidential Material”. I’m sure, as things progress toward 2016, we’ll quickly learn even more amazing and inspiring facts about America’s most infamous liberal elitist. But really “what difference, at this point, does it make?”