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I’ve Decided To Be a Dog

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
AP Photo/ Armando Franca

Yeah, I want to be a dog.  Great life.  I can use anywhere I want as a toilet.  Most dogs eat better than humans.  I can lie around and sleep all day, chase cars, kick cats, chew on anything.  If I get lucky, I’ll get a young, pretty, female owner.  She can feed me steak and pizza all the time.  Yummy.  Of course, it would be my luck that I would end up with Nancy Pelosi or Stacy Abrams as my owner.  Then I’d have to listen to them bark back at me all day long.  But, even with the risk, I PRONOUNCE TO THE WORLD—I AM A DOG!    


What??  What do you mean, I can’t be a dog?  Why not?  If a man can be a woman just by saying he is, and if a woman can be a man just by saying she is, then why can’t I be a dog just by saying I am?  “Lia” Thomas became a woman by simple proclamation.  I demand my Constitutional right to be a dog by the same method.  (Raspberries!)

So, there.  I’m a dog.  What are you going to do about it?  Let sleeping dogs, especially me, lie, hahaha.

I jest, of course, in order to prevent myself from exploding.  A recent Breitbart headline read, “Foundation Run By Trans Billionaire Funds Overnight Camp for ‘Transgender and Non-Binary’ Eight-Year-Olds.”  This is sick, folks.  No, this is worse than being sick.  It’s nothing short of pure, unadulterated, absolute Satanic evil, straight from the deepest, darkest pit of hell.  Stretch your imagination and try to envision anything more vile than mutilating children.  God made man and woman, period.  If “trannies” want to castrate, emasculate, disembowel themselves, they can make that choice for their own lives and tell God why they did it when they face Him.  But when they start disfiguring children, just for their selfish sexual gratification—and, make no mistake about it, that is all it is for, they cannot reproduce, so they must recruit, and the younger, the better—when they start doing that to children, they have descended into a dark, depraved phantasmagoria only the most debased monstrosity would enter.   And we are tolerating it.  What does that say about us?


What has happened to America?

There is nothing that can justify this treatment of children, the most innocent in our society.  It is nauseating in the extreme, and it shows just how abominable America’s government has become that there are only a few voices in leadership speaking out against it.  Every Congress Thing and state legislator, everybody in any position of authority should be protesting this putridity from every housetop at the top of their lungs, and passing laws—yesterday!—to protect our children from these godless vultures.  Laws that would put every parent or doctor who participates in this abhorrent perversion into prison, solitary confinement, for life, with no parole.  With only bread and water.  With Torquemada for a guard.  Forced to listen to recordings of the Bible all day long.  

Do people really believe mutilating children is morally justifiable?  On what grounds?  

How did America ever even get to this point?

How can we let these kinds of mutants run loose in the world?

I’m trying, but there are really no words in my vocabulary or brain to describe how reprehensible “grooming” is and the resultant efforts to “transgender” our children.  It is child abuse to the nth degree.  And that America practices and sanctions it demonstrates just how degenerate our culture has become.  This is not kids sticking a bone through their nose or coloring their hair purple, some silly cultural fad that they will outgrow, like normal people do.  This is destruction, for life, of the most vulnerable in our country.  It is irreversible.  And it is with the consent and assistance of people who know better and who ought to be leading our children down paths of virtue and righteousness, rather than handing them over to the perverted pleasure of a deviant, hedonistic minority—with the blessing of the Democratic Party.  How many of those children are eventually going to regret what was done to them?  It’s nauseating.  Disgustipating.  It’s a Hillary Pelosi nation. 


What has happened to America?  And why only now, and only in Western “civilization”?

But, I’ve digressed.  I want to be a dog and I want to have the right to run in races against binaries and non-binaries (whatever they are).  And why can’t I be a dog if I want to be?  If a man with a penis can be a woman if he wants to be, why can’t I be a dog if I want to be?  A female dog.  How long is it going to be until some totally uncontrolled human freaks start making that claim?  I don't know, maybe they already are.  I haven’t been to San Francisco in a long time.

Keep your filthy, slimy, perverted hands off our children!

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