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Bare Shelves Will Make This A Merry Nothing-mas

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews

This holiday season, we all have to look forward to the faces of sad kids gathered around the Christmas tree, or Hanukkah menorah, or the Kwanzaa hammer and sickle as we must tell them that their favorite holiday is a bust because America can’t get the stuff it needs from China. Even leftists’ kids, to the extent the leftists managed the mechanics of breeding, will be disappointed that Santa Marx will not be coming down the chimney, redistributing presents on what our beloved Veep Kamala Harris explained was her favorite childhood holiday


The problem is not the inevitable end result of outsourcing the manufacturing of pretty much everything to the Chi Coms across the ocean. The plan decades ago was to help make a backward, poverty-stricken enemy into a peer competitor by having its sweat shops do all the actual building and making for America, while we retained important industries like diversity consulting, inclusion consulting, and equity consulting, but that is not the problem. Nor is the foreign ownership of port facilities, nor the union rules and air quality rules and rules for the sake of rules that prevent the expeditious unloading of cargo, the problem.

No, the problem is you.

Your expectations are simply too high.

Like Jimmy Carter before him, our visionary president understands that making America function is hard, and therefore he needs an excuse for his inability to perform adequately at this basic presidential task. The excuse is that you have simply expected too much, like him performing adequately at this basic presidential task.

If only you weren’t so picky about bare grocery shelves and the lack of auto parts to fix your car – which you shouldn’t have, by the way, because of the weather – and not being able to get things at all that you used to get overnight, everything would be great. And by “great,” they mean, “We are not being held accountable for our failure to do our jobs.”

Now, Americans are the worst people on earth because they somehow got it into their heads that because of their hard work, innovation, and more hard work, they would be the most prosperous nation on earth. If only they would accept less, if only they would tolerate ineptitude, if only they would channel those happy people queuing up for their beet ration in Moscow in 1974, everything would be just peachy. 


Well, peachy for President *.

Now, it’s hard to believe that a president with the kind of priorities this desiccated old dustsack emphasizes might preside over a radical decline in American living standards. When he took office, he promised a competent, stable administration of professionals selected based on only the highest standards – where their great-grandfathers came from, who they want to have sex with, and whether they stand or sit to pee. 

A differently-abled Maori lesbian Hindu whose pronouns are zip/zap for Secretary of Not Screwing Up the Supply Chain? Bring zap on! So many boxes checked! By the way, has zip ever, you know, worked with logistics, or is even asking racist? 

Of course it is. 

And then, naturally, zip will need to be AWOL for zapternity leave. Zap’s adopting a kid and it’s too much to expect zip to do zap’s job like zip was, you know, a non-member of the ruling elite.

By the way, my inconsistent use of “zip” and “zap” is literal actual violence.

And there may be literal actual violence, but like the real kind, if things get bad. Want to hear a riddle? What’s the difference between Los Angeles and Mogadishu?

About a week.

A week without getting the food it needs to feed the millions of people who live there transported in. It’s not like much grows in our big cities besides bad ideas despite the sidewalks being strewn with piles of fertilizer.

Now, it’s not merely that our rapidly deteriorating logistical system is failing from gross incompetence within the government that artificially disrupts the processes. It’s that these systems – you know, the ones that feed us here in the concrete jungles – are hugely vulnerable to enemy cyber-attacks. Now China is not our friend – well, China is the friend of the ruling class in the way that Dracula was the friend of Renfield – and why should it waste good money showering us with the hypersonic missiles it’s building as we debate how to give more free money to deadbeats? It can just turn us off with the flip of a switch.


And then the fun starts, and by “fun” I mean bloodcurdling violence as people struggle to survive. The only upside is that I always wanted to become the Warlord of the Wasteland, so there’s that.

This holiday season will be a taste of the future under feudal corporatist liberalism as we start to feel the consequences of our ruling caste’s decision to outsource the manufacture of everything that we actually need. But don’t worry! This year’s Kwanzaa does not have to be a hideous memory. Be creative. Find an old cardboard box and tell your kids that it’s not some ratty old package but that it’s really “Boxy, the magical fun box adventure set.” They can have minutes of fun playing with their box. Or, if it’s too hard to find an old cardboard box, just go for an imagination Kwanzaa where their dreams are only a dream away!

It will be good practice for the miserable future in store for them if we don’t get these freaks out of office in 2024.

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