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AP Photo/Matt Rourke

Grandpa Badfinger just let slip that he has a secret weapon for November. No, his secret weapon is not the utter hypocrisy of a Dem base that is eagerly going all in on a senile old weirdo who, when he says “#MeToo,” means that he too treated women like inanimate objects as did his pals Teddy Glug-Glug Kennedy, Bill Cohiba Clinton and Harvey Sex Toad Weinstein. Their hypocrisy can’t be a secret weapon because their hypocrisy is no secret.


No, Gropey J’s secret weapon is – get this – “Republicans for Biden.”

Stop looking at me like that. This is really a thing, according to the presumptive nominee whose nemesis is a particularly uppity squirrel living in his backyard.

Some Daily Beast people named Hanna Trudo and Hunter Woodall – what is it with libs naming kids “Hunter?” – reported this:

Appearing in an Instagram live chat with soccer star Megan Rapinoe on April 30, presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden made a spontaneous, vague statement about how he’s been “speaking to a lot of Republicans,” including “former colleagues, who are calling and saying Joe, if you win, we’re gonna help.”

Then he showed his hand: “Matter of fact, there’s some major Republicans who are already forming ‘Republicans for Biden,’” the former vice president said. “Major officeholders.”

I assume President Trump is quaking in his Guccis at the impending onslaught of verbal pinching and slapping from the very secret, very butch roster of Never Trump literal and figurative heavyweights. The Beast further reports on the identity of these titans of treachery: “Those names include former Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), Wisconsin-based political analyst Charlie Sykes, conservative media giant Bill Kristol, former Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, longtime campaign operative Steve Schmidt, former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL), and columnist Mona Charen, among others.”


I assume George Conway and Anna Navarro will be waddling along too, assuming that the organizers keep their promise and bring doughnuts. Lots of doughnuts.

Nor should we count out egg-evoking fiscal conservative Evan McMullin, who it was reported conserved fiscally by not paying his campaign debts. I’m sure David French will be part of it because he’s got nothing better to do. Maybe Jonah Goldberg will join too. He is alleged to have a new website, though most of us haven’t gotten around to not reading it yet.

And where’s Mitt? An enterprise this lame just cries out for that magical Romney touch, as opposed to Gropey Joe’s. At least The Mittster might bring along some supporters, if only in the form of his dozen shiny sons, Torp, Tugg, Muff, Skipper, Sniffer, Scoob, Proob, Norb, Pibb, Cheeb, Frodo and Ween.

It’s the usual rejects. Basically, the Never Trumpers are getting the band back together and hitting the county fair circuit, but the band is pretty much Limp Bizkit. 

This all raises a question that is, perhaps, best understood as rhetorical: Just how gullible are the dummies shoveling their money into the pockets of these shabby, nearly-forgotten grifters? Do they not understand that these tools are about as welcome among actual conservatives as a cross-eyed bald gal with chlamydia at Freaknik? 

The giveaway to the underlying delusion is the Beast’s unironic description of the ridiculous Bill Kristol as a “conservative media giant.” In what alternative universe is the guy who pioneered cruise ship conservatism, who backed every “conservative” fiasco in the last three decades (you vets whose ears are still ringing from IED blasts outside Ramadi can thank Chesty Kristol and his chickenhawk ilk), and whose main media accomplishment was deep sixing his crappy brochure The Weekly Standard, a “giant?” He’s a giant something, all right, but not that.


Someone is pumping the 97 octane hi-test into this political clown car. A credulous tech zillionaire? The DNC? Some GOP donor whose blonde second wife won’t quit nagging him about Trump? We know who it isn’t – actual conservatives, who abandoned the S.S. Conservative Inc right before Cap’n Bill full-speeded ahead TWS into the iceberg that is Donald Trump. Yet somehow, this guy Billy Zaned his way to survival and went on to get some sap, or saps, to write checks to fund his unread Bulwark blog. What do those people think they are accomplishing? Trump’s at like 96 percent among actual Republicans. Has there ever been any indication that the Never Trump demographic consists of anyone besides D.C. fringies miffed that no one in the White House will return their calls?

Actual conservatives long ago quit shelling out good money for the opportunity to bump into the doughy likes of Jim Swift as he fills his plate with yet another helping of fried shrimp at the Lido Deck buffet. The only thing actual conservatives have for them now are cruise ship emojis and the contemptuous cry of “Ahoy.” 

But their marks don’t get that. They think that because they see the Gang from Low-T show up on MSNBCNN to fret over how awful it is to have a conservative president who actually does conservative things that these goobers still have some heat. They have nothing, but that delusion is the grifters’ leverage. The people giving them money to keep on keeping on long after everyone stopped listening have no idea about conservatives, so they think these dorks still matter.


I want to help. 

Here’s my deal. Donors, give me half the money you were going to give these losers. Just half. Now, I will do nothing to help you. In fact, I intend to stir up conservatives to oppose the fascist policies you support. In that way, I am much like the Never Trumpers, except I want to defeat you and the Never Trumpers want to be your gimps. Their sole contribution to the debate is to make us conservatives despise them so much that we will double down on our commitment to utterly level the whole crappy liberal establishment they now slobber over. I hope to light a bonfire upon which your progressive dreams will all die, but here’s the thing: I will give you the very same result as those dopes will but for half the price.

Have your people call my people. Oh, and Ahoy.

Editor's Note: Want to support Townhall so we can keep telling the truth about the Never Trump losers? Join Townhall VIP  and use the promo code CREEPYJOE to get 25% off VIP membership! You'll get an additional weekly VIP-exclusive Kurt column  AND his VIP podcast Unredacted.

The Never Trump sissies called my novels People's Republic, Indian Country, Wildfire and Collapse “appalling,” so you’ll mos def want to pre-order a copy of my new non-fiction book from Regnery, The 21 Biggest Lies about Donald Trump (and You!). It drops July 7, and that’s when the lamentations of the Ahoy crowd begin in earnest. Also, Townhall VIP members should check out my podcast “Unredacted” every Monday, and my free podcast “Fighting Words” on Wednesdays!


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