Opinion

I Have Some 'Testimony' For Senate RINOs But It’s NSFW

|
Posted: Jan 29, 2020 12:01 AM
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
I Have Some 'Testimony' For Senate RINOs But It’s NSFW

Source: AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Here is another of my special VIP columns. This week, I’m continuing the short segment format because there are a lot of things I want to talk about, which usually means make fun of.

Sissy Senators Ahoy:

By the time you read this, the impeachment fiasco will probably be entering a new phase of stupidity and the Senate will be considering witnesses because of course it will. The Republicans ought to flip Schiff the bird and end this, but they won’t. So many of the GOP senators are so dedicated to pretending there is some sort of solemn dignity to their assemblage that they are always vulnerable to the Dems playing them. It happened with the Kavanaugh circus and now it’s happening in the impeachment. It’s embarrassing how utterly incapable some of our side is at realizing how they are being made fools of yet again. I blame their collective low-T on all those years of subscribing to The Weekly Standard.

I don’t hold it against Susan Collins, because that’s just her character. I do hold it against Mitt Romney, because that’s just his character, or lack of it. He’s always trying to please someone and he always ends up looking like Gumby in a microwave – totally spineless at the beginning and a puddle of green goo at the end. Utah, just what the hell were you thinking?

I want my 2012 vote back so I can give it to Gary Johnson – at least that stoner weirdo believes in something besides trying to please his buds (if you pardon the expression) at the country club.

You’d think Mitt the Sap would be mad at the Dems for not scoring one of his kids – Tugg, Tuub, Noorf, Pismo, or Herbie – one of those tasty Ukrainian board seats.

So, John Bolton will probably testify and this latest BOMBSHELL! that the dummy caucus bought into will turn out to be another disappointment. Maybe Donald Trump thought about holding up Ukrainian aid until it investigated the manifest corruption of Bolivia Boy Biden, but he didn’t. He should have. Let me be clear – if Trump did everything he is accused of doing, he deserves a third term.

That’s the big question I want to see asked of the pompous Dem hacks: “Was this Biden thing OK with you?” They don’t want to answer because the answer is “Yes.”

In the end, Trump will triumph, America will yawn, and the Maddow herd will feel the same kind of frustration, humiliation, and disappointment that Bulwark staffers felt on their prom night.

Kobe RIP:

Just awful. All those families, not just the Bryants, have been shattered. If you are the praying kind, they can use some.

I’m not a sports guy, so Kobe Bryant was always kind of peripheral to my life, but it’s clear he meant a lot to many people. Heroes are important. I know he was flawed, and I’m not here to exonerate him, but what people saw in him was that he achieved. Sure, it was talent, but a lot of people are talented. A lot of people have had a great idea for a novel, but the only ones you have heard of are the ones who did the work of placing their Nadler in a chair and writing one. Kobe worked, and trained, and excelled. 

In a society where excellence is usually dismissed as the result of “luck” or “privilege,” people like Kobe Bryant demonstrate that the things all achievers have in common are discipline, drive, and determination. We need more of that if we are going to get our culture out of this morass of SJW excuse-making, welfare-bumming, and pot-fueled deadbeattery. 

Bernie 2020:

So, the Democrats seem really intent on nominating a socialist. I’m thrilled, since I want Donald Trump to win, and it just makes me want to mock the stupid young people who make up his base inside the Democrat Party even more. 

It’s adorable how they think the Crusty Commie Curmudgeon is going to make it all better for them. He’s going to come take money from us people who worked and failed to make bad decisions and hand it over to the losers who voted for him and it’ll be wonderful. Except I have no intention of giving what I earned to someone who didn’t earn it. I bet you have no intention of doing that either. 

That guy in Iowa who confronted Sitting Bolshevik about her plan to make us pay for irresponsible people’s student loans as well as our own kind of sums up the vibe. While a bunch of dorks in a dorm room livin’ off daddy’s largesse may sit around taking bong hits and coming to the consensus that other people should work to earn money to pay for their stuff, most Americans are not feeling that. 

There are some people warning that Sanders could actually win, that he could beat Trump. Except right now, that pinko creep – people who suck up to Stalinists are not cute or cuddly – is not getting the attention he deserves. Sure, the liberal media will keep covering for him, but Trump will nuke him, and the free press – as opposed to the mainstream press – will turn on him with delightful ferocity.

I’ve got a selfish reason for wanting him nominated, besides four more years for the guy tied with Reagan for The Greatest President of My Lifetime. I want to see the Dem hacks get whiplash trying to explain why it was cool for Bernie to honeymoon in RUSSIA! 

WHY DO THEY HATE AMERICA SO MUCH, THOSE PUTIN PETS!

In the meantime, it’s Dem panic mode. Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit is apparently already talking smack about him. Obama is rumored to be considering doing it too. The big bonus for us is how he will tear the Democrats apart. Yeah, the kids may be socialist-curious, but the older ones actually have something to lose if Mini Marx gets elected. Sanders will be starring in McGovern II: The Doom of the Democrats, and I’ll be first in line at the box office with my popcorn.

The Democrat dream is laid out in living color in my newest novel Collapse. America has split into red and blue halves, and as the blue gets much, much bluer, it creates a world of freedom, prosperity, and pronoun insanity! Check it out along with the other entries in the series, People's Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire. The awful Never Trumper Bill Kristol hailed as “appalling!”

My super secret email address is Kurt.Schlichter@townhall.com!