Editor's Note: Did you know, on Wednesday mornings, there's a BONUS KURT column that he writes just for VIP members?
I want to know why you Democrats are such cowards that you have not yet launched another civil war to free America of the totalitarian nightmare of President Donald J. Trump. I mean, if he’s truly Hitler 2: Electric Boogeyman, then isn’t it your sacred duty to remove this cancer on our body politic with arms if necessary? Look, I get that you Dems have a track record on insurrections designed to oppress the rights of Americans you feel superior to that is pretty poor (0-1) but come on, heroes of democracy, make your move! Just sitting here in the midst of this crisis you keep whining about makes you look like sissies or lying piles of talking garbage.
Your hero, Jerry Nadler, while on parole from the chocolate factory, told the Senate this about our elected president: "Only his will goes. He is a dictator. This must not stand and that is another reason he must be removed from office."
A dictator? Hey, that’s bad, right? I mean, unless the dictator is a leftist – wasn’t Castro dreamy? But since this is a threat to our democracy, because Trump is a non-leftist dictator, aren’t you guys morally obligated to take action and remove him? It’s obvious that those treacherous treason-loving traitors of treachery, the Republican senators, won’t toss the guy who did nothing wrong out of office so you can start working on throwing Mike Pence out of office, likely for the high crime and misdemeanor of trying to make America into The Handmaid’s Tale?
You must act now! Go home to your mom’s basements, dorms, tacky urban apartments and billionaire mansions and get your guns and…
By the way, if Trump is a dictator, why do you want to disarm the American people so the only one with guns is…Dictator Trump?
Whatever, let’s focus.
Okay, maybe you don’t have any guns like real men. Let’s assume you can find some guns. Now you need to water the kale bush of liberty with the blood of patriots. Okay, you’ll probably want to find another word than “patriots” since the term “patriots” upsets you – but because Trump is a “dictator,” we’re obviously in an extreme situation that calls for extreme measures.
It’s totally time to figuratively fire on Ft. Sumter again, Democrats. Maybe this time it will work out better for you.
Jerry Nadler will lead his unit, the 5’1 Oompa Loompa Brigade, known as “Wonka’s Own,” against the perilous peril of a president who got elected without the liberal elite’s permission. Can’t you just see him standing there before his men, women, and non-binary others, a midget Mussolini, his belt cinched tightly around his clavicle so that no matter where he wears his pistol it’s always in a shoulder holster?
Then there’s the googly-eyed Audie Murphy of the Intelligence Committee, Generalissimo Adam Schiff, ready to lead the dreaded “Fighting Pencilnecks” of the 69th Brigade into battle uttering their unit motto “Ed Buck who?” Trump’s a dictator, so of course, Schiff will fight because if America falls under the rule of a dictator he has to be removed, right?
Others would join the fight too. Ted Lieu can be your JAG. Perhaps Rashida Talib could help lead the kind of battlefield victories her pals the Palestinian terrorists are known for. And Ilhan Omar, who still has a beef with the Army for running up the score against the scumbag murderers in Mogadishu, would no doubt resist alongside her brothers/husbands-in-arms.
Maybe “That’s Lieutenant Colonel to You!” Vindman could finally get a battalion command. Colin Kapernick could try out for a unit, and when no one calls him he can tell you how you are all racists!
Of course, cruise director Cap’n Bill Kristol and his crew of Fredocon swabbies can handle naval operations. Ahoy!
And even Eric Swalwell can contribute despite his well-known aversion to the kind of weapons that men use in the defense of freedom. He can be in charge of chemical weapons and poison gas.
Remember, removing President Trump is a sacred, somber, prayerful moral obligation because he’s a “dictator.”
Words actually mean something. “Dictator” means something, and a lot of Americans have had experience with real ones either before moving here or while deployed. So, the next time you pampered prisses want to spew your MSNBC-approved rhetoric, save it.
Pick up a weapon or shut the hell up.
If you want to see the only real potential dictatorship we might face, read my newest novel Collapse. America has split into red and blue halves, and as the blue gets much, much bluer, it creates a world of freedom, prosperity, and knowing which bathroom to use - not! Check it out along with the other entries in the series, People's Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire. You’ll love the books, which Bill Kristol hailed as “appalling.”