Now, more than ever, people need good, solid conservative advice, especially you liberals, hipsters, and social justice warriors. I am here to help!
Dear Kurt: I find it outrageous that someone with a record of treating females like garbage is running for President! It is terrible and unacceptable when a person trying to be elected leader of the Free World has such an ugly history of insensitivity toward the abuse of women. What should I do? Signed, 21st Century Girl.
Dear Miss Missing Chivalry: Wait, I’m confused. Which one are you talking about?
Dear Kurt: I marched for a nuclear freeze to prevent the West from matching the Soviet’s missile build-up during the 1980s, and I voted for Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale to keep that cowboy Ronald Reagan from starting a war with the Russians, because as Sting taught us, they love their children too. But now the Democrats are angry with them because of Wikileaks and how Putin is treating Obama and Hillary like a couple of vinyl-clad love slaves living in a box in a pawnshop basement. I’m really uncomfortable that, as a liberal, I am now expected to side with America against foreigners. What should I do? Signed, Confused Comrade.
Dear Hammered and Sickening: Oh, the Cold War – good times, knowing that, while I was there in West Germany with VII Corps rolling out to our assembly area on freezing o-dark thirty morning alerts to practice our mission of dying in place while holding back the red hordes, you and your sissy pals were back home providing moral support to our enemies. Yeah, I’m a little confused too about why there’s so much anti-Russian negativity all of a sudden from the Party of Ted Kennedy, who took a break from drowning chicks and making waitress sandwiches to go try to get the Soviets to work with him to influence the 1984 election. Libs are so fussy all of a sudden about abusing women and cavorting with foreigners! Anyway, my advice is to just wait a few weeks until the election is over and your beloved Democrats will once again be able to follow their hearts and blame America first.
Dear Kurt: I am a student at a local university and, being distantly related to Elizabeth Warren, I am also a Native American. Our school’s sportsball team calls itself “the Braves,” which is racist somehow and also triggering to those of us who identify as cowards. I am actually in tears right now just thinking about it! I want to stop this cultural appropriation, which is the worst hate crime in all of human history, or at least I think it might be since my Transgender Botany major does not require that I actually take any courses in history. What should I do? Signed, Seeing Red.
Dear Heap Big Moron: I understand your frustration with people refusing to conform their lives in such a way as to constantly cater to your never-ending litany of petty grievances and tiresome complaints. And it must bother you that most Native Americans – real ones, not ones only when they are applying for Harvard faculty gigs – are loyal, patriotic Americans who have distinguished themselves in war and peace. But hey, if you want to live in your personal time machine you need to first set the example by giving up things you are culturally appropriating, like antibiotics, the wheel, and slot machines.
Dear Kurt: I can’t stand that orange jerk, but I also detest that lying, felonious monster who has done the impossible and made pantsuits even less sexy. I am not going to vote for bong-friendly Gary Johnson because of the off chance millions of others might walk into the voting booth and say “Oh, what the hell” and we end up spending four years listening to “Hail to the Chief” as a reggae cover. I won’t vote for Jill Stein because, besides being a commie, she seems like she’d probably accidentally misplace the nuclear football on a trip to Whole Foods. And I won’t vote for Evan McMullin because he reminds me of Moby and I just can’t even. What should I do? Signed, Praying for Death.
Dear Sophie Had An Easier Choice: You should first vote for Trump because he’s slightly less terrible, then come over to my place because on election night I’m cracking the Blue Label. And don’t dilly-dally because it may be all gone by the time Fox calls Florida.
Dear Kurt: I just heard that Jane Fonda’s ex-husband and fellow traveler to North Vietnam Tom Hayden has died. I really admired his dedication to communism despite its blood-splattered history of unspeakable evil. What should I do? Signed, At Least Castro Is Still Alive.
Dear Traitor Mater: You should tell me where he’s buried. I have to pee.
Dear Kurt: I am very concerned about my husband and the safety of our three teens. You see, my husband is worried about Hillary’s gun control and anti-Bill of Rights agendas, and in just the last month he has bought a Kimber .45 1911A1, a Bushmaster AR-15, and a Remington 870, plus about 3,000 rounds of ammunition. This is crazy! That is nowhere near enough guns or ammo! Our family needs at least several more pistols in various calibers, plus a modern semi-auto battle rifle for each of us, as well a combat-configured shotgun per person. Then we need spares. Plus, 3,000 rounds is a start, but it’s not even close to sufficient for a family of patriots serious about defending themselves, their community, and their Constitution. What should I do? Signed, Gun Controlled.
Dear Awesome Chick: I don’t know you or what you look like, but you are totally hot. Look, behind every strong male is a strong female urging him to adequately prepare for the uncertain future. Remind your husband that to a patriotic, conservative hottie, size matters – specifically, the size of his personal armory. If your short-sighted husband still fails to take your sound advice, buy him my new book. And if that doesn’t work, then he’s probably a closet liberal and you should leave him and try being with a man.