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Bernie Sanders’ Army of Deadbeats Can Bring Conservatives Together Again

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It seems impossible, but there may be some common ground between the people who support Donald Trump, the people who support Ted Cruz, and the person who supports John Kasich. And it’s all thanks to socialism’s cryptkeeper Bernie Sanders and his band of whiny deadbeats. Their obnoxious demands that we give them the money we’ve worked for in order to subsidize their sanctimonious indolence demands our short, clear, united response – which begins with the letter “F.”


Like a Pied Piper leading idiots instead of rats – rats are more useful than college students and often cleaner – the Sanders movement is dedicated to the principle that “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine because I want it.” It’s not enough that we paid for our own college. Now we have to pay for theirs too. Why? Because it would be super convenient for them to not have to actually work for what they want. It’s so much easier just to take from others instead of making tough choices like, “Do I go $100K in debt majoring in Venezuelan Transgender Literature of the 17th Century and try to pay it off fetching lattes, or do I apprentice with a plumber and pull down $100K a year?” But, of course, plumbing requires actual work – hard work – and in their circles it’s just not cool to work with your hands instead of merely spouting off through your craft beer-hole. However, while the world can go on without analyses of novels by Latin American she-males, even hipsters are always going to need help flushing away that used kale.

And Hillary, with her unerring ability to choose poorly in politics, is trying to follow along. Someday maybe someone can make a movie about this festival of progressive fascism called Commie and Commier.


If you want a preview of America after these tools take charge, take a look at a university. Roll this around in your head for a minute: Someone wrote the name of the leading candidate in one of the two major parties on a sidewalk in chalk, and the administration acceded to the students' demand to send the police after the culprits. 

Now, this would be something you would expect in the Soviet Union, where that shambling hunk of human waste Sanders spent his honeymoon – yeah, these people drool over a guy who kissed the collective rear of a regime that murdered tens of millions of victims. But this is – or was, until Obama got into power – America. Not only do they support the idea of prosecuting people for expressing unapproved opinions about political candidates – the Citizen’s United case rejected the notion you could jail people for criticizing Hillary Clinton – but in the one area of society where they have total control they are literally doing it.

So it’s not enough that we have to give up what we worked for to give them food, medicine and a fake education. We also have to give up our right to speak freely. In the Animal Farm world they dream of, they are crashed out in the farmer’s house taking bong hits and we’re Boxer the horse toiling ceaselessly for their benefit. We’ve all heard Sanders’ limp legions talking about how they are morally entitled take our money – and it is our money they’re talking about since everyone knows there aren’t enough rich people to steal from to satisfy their greed - but has anyone ever heard any of them say anything like, “And I will do my part by working harder and making better life choices”?


Yeah, right. Sanders is not telling the workers of the world to unite and lose their chains. No, he wants us actual workers in chains, doing the work society needs done but that his supporters won’t stoop to do. He’s promising a bunch of upper middle class college students the chance to be a perpetually subsidized new nomenklatura, not to eliminate the ruling class but to replace it with themselves. 

Those of us fighting it out in the GOP primary may feel like we can’t agree on anything, but when you step back a minute and look at where we really stand, it’s pretty clear that we feel the same way about a lot of important things. We all actually love America – the Bernie Bros don’t. They can’t even utter the word without affixing to it a bunch of adjectives like “racist,” “sexist” and “homophobic.” They’ll tell you like the “idea of an America that could be” which, of course, looks nothing like the America that the Constitution describes. Their America is one where we work and they sit back and feed off our labor while bossing us around. It’s one where they talk and we listen because our speech will be regulated and curtailed. It’s one where every weirdo, loser and mutation from around the globe jumps to the head of the line in front of us, the very people who built and fought for this country.


And it’s one that is never going to be, largely because we have all the guns and they have all the White Stripes albums on vinyl.

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